The Filter Matters

In today's social media savvy world, I hardly have to convince Instagram users how much filters impact an Instagram post. Whether you prefer "Hudson" or "Lo-Fi", chances are you have used a filter on at least one of your uploaded photos to make it look better. And, if you are one of those #nofilter people - the true photographers on Instagram that believe that filters taint 

the purity of their art - you are still likely to recognize that having a filter 

(or not having it, in this case) 

has the power to significantly affect how an image is perceived. 

A few weeks ago, I was talking with my uncle about a vast array of topics. He is an incredibly wise and hilarious and down-to-earth guy with 

loads of life experience and valuable things to say... 

the kind of guy that you really hope will show up to family gatherings.  

One of the topics my uncle hit on was filters. But not the Instagram kind. Instead, he talked about how we select which filters through 

which we will perceive our own lives. 

We should choose to filter our experiences through truth. 

We should not choose to filter truth through our experiences. 

It is true, for example, that I am a gifted runner. Now, it would be easy for me to filter that piece of truth through my experiences and talk myself out of that truth. I could compare myself to some other very talented runners on my own team, for example, and in doing so remember that I am not nearly as  gifted as them and come to the conclusion that I am not gifted. Or I could dwell on experiences I have had that suggest I am not a gifted runner... such as that bad race I had that one time or the workout I almost failed to complete. 

But I have been blessed to make it to the collegiate level as a runner. So the truth is that I have some amount of gifting in this sport. It does not matter what that gifting is compared to my teammates or that I struggled with that workout last week. The truth matters, and the truth is that I have been gifted with something (be it determination, endurance, or just refusal to give up..) 

that helps me to do well in this sport. 

So, let's try it the other way. If I have a bad experience (such as a bad race), but choose to filter it through truth (that I am a gifted runner), I am able to look at the situation with clarity and balance. Instead of spiraling into negativity and believing that I am a failure as an athlete, I should be able to look at my race critically to discern which areas I can improve upon - 

without loosing all of my confidence. 

This concept makes the most sense to me when I think about spiritual truths. 

Truth: I am a child of God. Truth 2: My identity is in Jesus. 

Experience: I fail at something, or I loose a job, or I speak harshly to a friend. 

Instead of dwelling on these experiences and making them my filters... 

leading to feelings of  discouragement and condemnation... 

I need to filter them through TRUTH 

and see that my mistakes are not my identity. 

The filter matters. It changes the way we perceive the world. 

The filter matters. 

Dream A Little (Or Some Other Cliché Title)

I have always been an avid dreamer. 

As a little girl, I walked around with my head in the clouds. Anything and everything was possible, and my overactive imagination served me well for writing stories and playing make-believe. Even in the face of life's many failures (which everyone must deal with, unfortunately), 

I retained my large aspirations. 

Of course, as I got older, I adapted a bit more realistic perspective. 

At 13, I began to figure out that  it was unlikely that I would happen to be discovered by a famous Hollywood producer who happened to be in Idaho. 

And, after taking AP physics and hating every minute of it, I realized that it was a lot more difficult to be an astronaut than I first imagined. 

When I began my collegiate running career at a community college, I began to comprehend that I probably wasn't going to break any distance running world records anytime soon. 

Yet, though I perhaps have more of a realistic perspective than I once had, my propensity for dreaming has never diminished. 

What I mean is, there is still a large part of me that thoroughly believes that I might be a famous movie star one day. That I might travel to space. Or that I might go to the Olympics. 

I just finished my first week of xc training with my new team at the University I am transferring to. My legs are sore and my body is tired. Early mornings, two-a-days, and ice baths will take up all my time from here on out 

(except for studying, of course). 

And I couldn't be more excited. I keep on getting better. I keep on becoming a stronger and smarter racer. And I keep on dreaming. 

Honestly, who knows what the future holds? And who is to say that I might not break the school record, or the national record, or the world record one day? 

I know it's a long shot. I understand that A + B does not equal C. But I have come to think of dreaming as a very powerful tool. 

Without it, we would limit ourselves. 

So I'm going to continue to keep my head in the clouds. 

I'm going to push myself beyond my limits and see where it takes me. And if it only ever encourages me to give my best and never leads anywhere phenomenal, so be it. 

At least I will know I never sold myself short. 

Taking A Break

If you care more about the Promiser than the promise, you shouldn't care whether or not the promise comes to fruition. That's not your focus. Your focus in God. 

Comparison is a trap. Not only does it bring you done, but it causes you to judge others. God did not create us to compare ourselves with one another. He created us to shine for his glory. 

"Hoping in God is different than hoping in an outcome."

I have no blog theme for today. No main point. Just a few cool revelations and quotes that have been floating around in my head. 

I have decided to stay off of the internet for awhile. I have already deactivated my Facebook and cleaned out my top sites. It's summer, and I'm tired of the distractions that social media brings. I will be back, however. I love twitter and facebook and blogging and think they are great ways to connect with people and to share information. I love writing blogs and sharing my heart and expressing myself. I just know I need a couple weeks to clear my head and be tech-free. 

Unfortunately, I still have to check my email and craigslist, because I'm working on things for school in the fall and looking for a job. But I'm going to try to make that the extent of my web surfing. 

I'll be back soon :) 

Exploring Philosophy

“…But when hunger for bread came, when life began to be an earnest thing, then I realized in its dreadful depths, how poor and empty, how devitalized and comfortless, the new religion of our time had let me…. In the recesses of my being, the warmth of the gospel began to drive out the freezing chill of philosophy” – Abraham Kuyper (Qtd. A Book of Protestant Saints)

Summer has a way of making everything seem beautiful. I think the sun’s rays must permeate the soul, allowing light to flood in. Everything seems much more… simple. There is no room for busy thoughts or worry.
Summer is happy-go-lucky. Summer is carefree and unfettered.

If one is going to have an existential crisis, then, it is much more appropriate to do so in the winter. The winter casts a cold and dreary light on everything. Endless hours spent indoors can lend to sort of gloom, and it is only natural that the philosophical imagination would begin to run wild.

But not in summer, right?. Summer should be a time of light.

Who am I kidding? The search for truth never rests.

And lately, despite the bliss that summer usually brings,
my thoughts have been a little crowded.
Millions of seemingly impossible questions have taken up residency in my mind,
and it is as if a dark cloud has been blocking the radiant summer sun.

Honestly, I think everyone needs to have at least one moment of self-reflection in life. Everyone must ask themselves why they believe what they believe. 
For some, this may only need happen once.
For others, like me, it might be an almost daily occurrence.
I want truth. I am not interested in beautiful mythology or comforting ideology.

I am guessing that there are many people like me in the world, and that is likely why philosophy has become such a popular subject to study. 

While it is a certainly stimulating topic, however,
I have come to realize that philosophy is mostly empty.

It is just fluff. Not substance. Just milk. Not meat. 

Just questions. Not answers.

I realize that I am still young and that I lack life experience relative to many, but truth does not care about age nor hide itself from the young.

And truth, I have found time and time again, is ONLY in Jesus. 

He is "the way, the truth, and the life" (John 14:6). 

Every time I have a crisis of faith, I come once again back to this reality. 

He is the answer to every complex and 

impossible question I could ever conjure up. 

All of the gloomy shadows have been cast on my mind the last few weeks have been (once again) displaced by this glorious realization. 

The truth of the gospel, warm and inviting, has brought me back into the light of summer. I know why I believe why I believe. It’s because of Jesus.

Where Have You Been?

Where have I been the last few days? 

Honestly, that's a great question. 

I mean, I have been here. At school. Doing school things. 

Getting ready for finals. That kind of stuff. 

But where has my mind been? 

Well, that's one I can't really answer. 

It's been all over the place. 

I can't seem to turn it off. Thinking is completely exhausting. 

And too much free time 

(which has been my life the last few weeks) means a lot of thinking for me. 

Why have I had so much free time? Well, blame my three week long break from running.... okay, well I ran a couple of days and swam some, 

but it's STILL a break! 

And school is winding down, and I simply just don't have that much to do! Which is nice. But time has kind of drug on these last few weeks. The sun is shining, it's a million degrees outside, and all I want to do is play in the park. Not worry about responsibility. Not stress about finals. 

Not think about my future or my past or make big 

decisions or wonder how I'm going to get a job this summer or feel inadequate. 

None of that. 

I graduate a week from Friday, and I get to make the graduation speech. But after that, TVCC will be a mere memory. How bittersweet is that. I'm excited to move back home. Excited for this summer. And for next year. But it's all a little nerve wracking too! 

I got a summer running schedule from my new coach, and though I'm excited, it will be hard to move on from my current coach and my current team. 

The only picture we got our coach to take with us!

We had an end of the year dinner for Student Government the other night, and that was a completely wonderful mesh of sad and happy. I love all of those people. And it's crazy how fast the year has gone. It seems like just a month ago that I was trying to decided whether to run for president, 

and now the year is over! 

My Student Gov Team Rafting this summer!

Anyway, I am not exaggerating when I say how much has been going through my mind lately. And for some reason, that has made me less active on this blog. I promise I'll get my act together when summer comes. I have lots of things I want to say. Only a few more days. I seriously can't wait. 

Honestly

Disclaimer: The following is probably the longest and most in depth blog post I have ever written.  There is a lot of running jargon in there and it's very real and honest. Ultimately, I know how blessed I am. I have had a wonderful overall experience at TVCC. I have amazing teammates and the best coach. I am going to cry when I say goodbye to them, I know. But I'm also disappointed, and I had to be transparent. Sometimes that's the only way to write. 

I couldn't possibly recount all of the events of the last few days or express the tumult of emotions that have been rolling through my head. 

NWAACCS was physically and emotionally taxing - bittersweet in every way. There were some great things about it - like having family there to watch and support me - but I did not perform as hoped. I cracked under pressure. 

My 10k on Monday morning was a disaster - the slowest of my life, in fact. I was ranked 1st going in and I walked away with 3rd. I could blame it on the girl who sat behind me the whole first half of the race, clipping my heels and drafting off of me while I paced for her... or I could blame her coach who put her up to it. He planned the whole thing with her ahead of time and coaxed her through the whole race, making comments each time around the track that majorly got into my head. 

But ultimately I am the one who wasn't mentally strong enough to finish the race. I am the one who slowed way down and let one two girls pass me. I am the one who failed. 

I can't even explain how frustrated I am about the whole thing. I feel like I let my coach down. An All-American standing doesn't mean anything when you perform terribly. 

Monday night we went to a banquet with all of the participating schools. We all dressed up. We ate gross pasta (I'm probably the only runner who doesn't like the stuff, I know). We got our minds off the competition (yeah right). It was fun.  

But after I felt sick. I was shaky and cold and exhausted. I fell down on my hotel bed and let the weight of the day flow out in tears. Two of my closest friends and teammates listened as I opened up about my disappointment and insecurity. And I told them I hated racing. And at that moment, I really did.

We all fell asleep around 9 pm. I haven't felt so sick in a long time. Blame the dehydration, not enough food, the heat, whatever. But I really needed sleep!

Tuesday morning was a new day, though. I felt much better when I woke up, and I had two races left to focus on. I can genuinely say that they went much better than the first one. 

I led the first two laps of my 1500m, even though I wasn't even close to ranked first. People just paced/drafted off of me and then out kicked me in the end. I knew it wasn't smart racing. But I'm so good at pacing, and that was the pace I was used to running. All this tactical championship stuff is annoying to me. Maybe I should just be a professional "rabbit". (For those of you who don't know, those are the pacers in races that drop out halfway through... they are only there so other people can pace off of them in order to run faster). 

My coach just laughed at me afterword and said 

"well, you certainly keep things interesting!"

Two hours later, I ran the 5k. And I decided to try a different approach. NOT LEADING. So that's exactly what I did. I went out slow, like everyone else. I tucked behind a pack of girls and drafted off of them for a change. It was miserable, though. We were all crowded and they were throwing elbows and it lasted for about a mile and a half. Finally, they broke away. 

And for some reason, I didn't go with them. 

BUT I didn't stop racing. Instead, I slowly chased them down. I ran a killer last mile - must faster than my first two - and picked them off, one by one. Let me tell you something, it's much more fun to chase and pass then to be the target. 

In hindsight, I know I had SO much more energy at the end. I should have kicked harder 

and passed those two girls that were just five seconds ahead of me. 

I could have  should have gotten All American in that race, too. 

I'm not trying to complain. I know I need to count my blessings. I made the podium in all my races. I was the only girl to run all three of those events - quite the triple! 

And I know I should be grateful. I am grateful. 

But at the same time, I'm so frustrated. I just feel like... WASTED POTENTIAL. 

Physically, I should have gotten 1st in the 10k and 2nd in the 5k (the 1st place 5k runner is crazy fast... one day I'll get there). But mentally, I SUCK at racing. I'm a disaster. I'm not competitive. Or something. And the problem is, in the world of college track, all that matters is the races. 

No, it doesn't matter that I can and have run 20-24 x 400 meter repeats at an average of 83 second pace. It doesn't matter that I got tons of sleep and drank my weight in water and ate perfectly and lifted and swam. All of that hard work is for nothing if I don't show up to race. 

Obviously, I have a lot to think about. My coach told me that I just need to take the summer to reset mentally. But I feel terrible... because I won't be reseting for him. I'm transferring. I'm ready to graduate in a few weeks, and I'll be going to a whole new school with a whole new coach and running program. And I can't help but feel like I'm just a total disappointment to my current coach. I KNOW this is NOT true. But it's how I feel right now. 

I know this post may seem far more depressing than my usual ones, but I really felt that I needed to be honest. Right now I'm really confused about why I even do this. I think I love it, but it doesn't feel that way right now. 

I am planning on taking the next two or three weeks off of running, and this will be a good chance for me to reset. But for this rest period, I need to do my best to NOT think about running. I need to eat junk food and stay up late and focus on school and my social life. I need to let myself be bored and take naps during the day. And I need to be in the moment, 

because the moment is passing quickly. 

Hopefully, at the end of this break, I'll have a fresh passion and perspective. One thing is for certain. If I am going to keep doing this college track thing (which is already established) I am not going to have another year (mentally) like this one. If I'm going to keep doing this, working this hard, investing myself this much - I am GOING to see results. I am going to nationals next year. 

Mark my words. 

Unripe Fruit

Have you ever bitten into a strawberry (or any kind of fruit for that matter) 

that wasn't quite ripe yet? 

I LOVE strawberries, 

and I am ecstatic about them almost being in season again.

But there is nothing worse than buying strawberries 

and having to wait to eat them! 

There have been quite a few times that I lacked patience, and, instead of waiting until my strawberries were perfectly ripe, I ate them as they were - 

a little green and everything. 

And you know what? They tasted terrible. Not nearly as good as normal strawberries. In fact, I didn't like them very much at all. 

...................................................................................................................................................................

Lately, I have sort of felt like a failure. 

I'm not looking for sympathy - or even being down on myself - 

I'm just making a point. 

I have worked really hard this year at a lot of things, and I have always been of the mentality that "you reap what you sew".  So, naturally, I have expected that my hard work would lead to success. 

This has not always been the case, however. I have been sewing and sewing and sewing in various areas of my life, and I have yet to reap the benefits I desired. 

I have been working hard, 

and that hard work has not quite come to fruition yet.... 

As a result, I found myself asking God the other day "What is the point of all my hard work if it's not bearing any fruit? 

Why am I investing myself into all these things to no avail?" 

I feel like God wants me to pour into all the relationships he has placed in my life and work hard at all of the tasks I have been given (track, school, government), but it is sometimes discouraging when I don't see any fruit. 

But I came across this verse this morning when I was reading the Bible. 

Isaiah 49:4 

I replied "But my work seems so useless! I have spent my strength for nothing and to no purpose. Yet I leave it all in the Lord's hand; I will trust God for my reward."

Here, Isaiah was struggling with the exact thing I have been struggling with.

 But he clearly recognized that, despite the evidence,

 he was to trust God and God alone for his reward.

...................................................................................................................................................................

I have to do the same thing. 

Instead of biting into fruit that is unripe, 

I need to be patient and trust God to bear fruit in my life. 

After all, it is not in my own strength that I accomplish anything - 

it is through his strength (Philippians 4:13). 

I'm sure those strawberries will taste a whole lot better 

if I wait for them to ripen!!!

It's Simple

Like most college students, I tend to constantly be preoccupied with my future. 

Actually, like most people, I tend to be preoccupied with my future. 

This is a common problem. 

But college, especially, is such a transitional season. It seems that everything I do - choosing a major, getting internships, deciding which city to live in - is in preparation for the next step in my life. 

As a Christian college student, the concept of "calling" 

is of particular concern to me. 

I find myself constantly wondering about God's call on my life, and, in turn, doing everything I can  to navigate my path in the direction that I feel is consistent with this magical call. 

Lately, however, I have been thinking about my calling A LOT. Because I am in the process of transferring to a new school, and because I will be a junior, I am now officially declaring a major. 

I know this is an important decision. I would like to propose, however, that decisions like these are not as important as many Christians (including myself) usually make them out to be. 

I was recently in a conversation with a dear friend who is going to be leaving for Mozambique, Africa in a month to do missionary work over the summer. She made an interesting point.... 

American Christians are so fixated on the concept of "calling" - "I am called to be a doctor" or 

"I am called to be an artist" or 

"I am called to be a stay-at-home parent". 

But do we ever see this mindset portrayed by Christians in third world countries? No - the concept of a specific calling into a specific field is a foreign concept to them! 

They realize that we are called to love God and love people. 

Somehow, American Christians have managed to 

complicate and incredibly simple command. 

I am not saying that God doesn't sometimes nudge people in particular directions - of course He does!!!! I am simply saying that God is not limited by our choices. Worrying so much about whether my career choice lines up with the calling I think God has on my life is not giving God enough credit. 

He is the God of the universe. If I abide in him, and I desire to follow his lead, it is pretty hard for me to get outside of his will.  

Ultimately, it doesn't really matter if I major in political science or nursing. It's about who I am (a child of God) and not what I do! Whatever I do or don't major in, he will work with it. 

 So what now? 

It's simple. 

Love God. Love people. 

On Settling

 This year - and especially this track season - has flown by. 

I have four weeks left of track. Two regular meets - and one Conference meet. 

Leading up to this, I have put in miles and miles of running. I have been doing two-adays regularly (swimming in the mornings and practice in the afternoons). I have been eating healthy and getting adequate sleep. I have been lifting and planking and icing and stretching and everything in between. 

I want to succeed. I want to be fast. I want to win. 

But more importantly, I want to reap what I have sown. 

I had a crazy revelation the other day - one that most athletes have probably already had. For some reason, however, 

it took me awhile to grasp this concept. 

If I do not compete on race day, all the hard work I have done is for nothing. 

Meaning - it doesn't matter how many two-a-days I do or how I perform in practice if I don't perform on race day. 

I have realized that my success is not going to happen on accident. 

When I get on the starting line, I have to choose to compete. Choose to race. Choose to push through the pain. 

These are not the faces of people who settle - they are hurting. 

But it's worth it!

I raced a 1500 this past weekend - a race that I previously did not consider to be my ascetic. I am a distance runner through and through, and I thought the 1500 was too short a race. After a great conversation with my coach, however, I toed the line motivated to win - and I did. I pr'd by 9 seconds, and I surprised myself greatly. I didn't settle. I raced. 

I have worked too long and too hard to settle during races. And that's what I have been doing this whole year. 

If I give everything I have and I still don't win, that's okay. I know that the talent I have isn't mine anyway. I know that I don't run for my glory. 

But if I don't give everything I have... if I settle... I am wasting an opportunity to reap the benefits of all of the hard work I've done. 

I think I finally get it. 

Unfiltered Access

"Do you value your freedom of speech? If you do, then exercise your rights and get a Twitter account - even if you don't use it!" 

My Anthropology professor made this comment the other day in regards to how social media has created a social revolution. 

As a 21 year old, I honestly rarely turn on the news. But I check Twitter everyday. Within an hour of the Boston bombings, I had access to unfiltered and raw information from thousands of different vantage points. 

The pictures were unedited - the information unbiased. 

Within fifteen minutes of the bombing in Waco, I was able to watch it happen via a video posted on Twitter - and I live in Idaho. 

I knew about a earthquake on the Pakistan border 

only a few hours after it happened. 

Unlike people of my parents' generation, I do not have to turn to the news to know what's going on in the world. And I support the news - don't get me wrong. I want to be a broadcaster even. But the news can be incredibly biased. And social media, while sometimes subject to ignorance and oddity, helps deliver authentic information. 

As a result, we are made constantly of the sadness in the world. 

This week, social media has been flooded with tragedy after tragedy. I am continuously aware of bombings, murders, and robberies - these things seem to stand out a little next to 

silly Facebook banter and pictures of peoples' food on Instagram. 

As a result, I have been thinking a lot. Reflecting. I think everyone has. 

I'm grateful to know about these things, 

but I am burdened with the weight of knowledge. 

The only thing we can do is pray - and lay those burdens at feet of the One who can make anything work together for the good. He can take what the enemy meant for destruction and somehow work it out. And that is beyond my understanding. But it does bring peace. 

Dinner, Then Dessert.

When I was a little girl, I absolutely hated tomatoes. 

And when I say hated, I mean I couldn’t even swallow them without gagging. 

My sentiments toward this fruit/veggie have changed somewhat, but I remember many times that I sat at the dinner table for a long time because my mom wouldn’t let me leave without finishing my tomato-ey dinner.

Sometimes, if she were really desperate, my mom would bribe me with dessert in exchange for my tomato-eating. 

I was still reluctant, but this bribe always won me over in the end. 

Ice cream is just too good.

…………………………………………………………………

The other day, I went on an “easy” seven-mile recovery run.

It was supposed to be easy, anyway.

My legs were exhausted, the wind was brutal, my hands were numb, and I spent the whole time fantasizing about breakfast.

Some days, running just isn’t my cup of tea.

 It really is a love/hate relationship.

In fact, I was thinking about it, 

and probably only 30 percent of it is actually fun.

The community, the amazing races, the long runs on beautiful trails that remind you why you run at all…

The other 70 percent is far from glamorous. The getting up before the crack of dawn, freezing ice baths, sore joints and muscles, out of control nerves, and physical exhaustion that no one really sees.

“So”, you might ask, “If it really is THAT hard, why on earth would you keep doing it? Is it even worth it?”

I have asked myself that same question many times.

…………………………………………………………………..

But I think the ice cream is worth it!

True, running isn’t always glamorous or easy or fun. In fact, 

sometimes it’s just plain miserable.

But you have to eat your dinner before you get dessert.

You have to put in the hard workouts and the ice baths and the miles in order to get the benefit.

I feel like this can apply to other aspects of life, as well, so take it as you will.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by tomatoes, keep things in perspective. 

There’s ice cream for dessert.

And The Countdown Begins

It seems we are always counting down to something. 

It may be something exciting, like Christmas. Who doesn't love ABC Family's 25 Days of Christmas each year? And what about those paper chains that count down to that magical day? So fun. 

Sometimes we count down the days until our next paycheck. Or the minutes of the clock until we get off of work. Some people have the days counted out until summer vacation. Or the release of the next big movie. 

At about four p.m. today, I was counting down the 400 meter repeats I had to do at track practice. 

Those are all seemingly insignificant countdowns. Countdowns that look forward to something. 

Today a countdown started for me, however, that is more scary than exciting.

Two weeks from today, I need to have made a very important decision about where I am going to transfer to next year.

I've talked about this on the blog before, but basically: I am a student at a community college, and I'll have my Associate of Arts in the spring. I have two years left until I receive my bachelor's degree and two years left of eligibility in cross country and track. So I have to choose a school to transfer to - a school where I will obtain my degree and likely continue running competitively. 

Letters of Intent (contracts for college athletes) have expiration dates in which they need to be signed, so the clock is now officially ticking. I am blessed to have choices, but I am a terrible decision maker. I'm always analyzing every possibility and imagining every potential outcome. I'm sick of having conversations about it. I'm sick of thinking about it. 

It should be a relief to finally come to a decision, right? 

The problem is... as much as I love running (or I think I do?) I'm honestly not convinced I want to commit to it for another two years. I don't really love what competition does to me, and I have a lot of other things I want to pursue. That being said, I only have a small window of time to compete collegiately, and I feel like I have learned a lot about myself about balance so that I can compete without becoming too extreme like I have in the past. 

Ultimately, I just need to pray about it. Lay it down completely. I know that God is going to bless me and go with me wherever I go, but I want His help deciding. And I know that He is not going to let me stumble. 

With big decisions, I have learned that it is best to follow peace. So at the end of this two weeks, I am going to make a decision based on inner peace - not what seems logical or practical or exciting. What I have the most peace about. Right now, I feel more stressed than peaceful. But I know that it will all be okay. I know my future is full of promises. 

And I am excited to see what's in store. 

And the countdown begins....

Here's to Hoping...

I think it is safe to say that "hope" is pretty much the theme of my life. 

It's my middle name. 
It is something I try to live by.
It is included in the title of this blog, for goodness sake!

But last night, I realized I don't really know what hope means. 
What is hoping? Is it simply believing there is light at the end of the tunnel? Or is it something more? 

Modern day people equate hoping with wishful thinking.

The dictionary defines hope as "A feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen."

But what does the Bible have to say about hope? 

In the bible, hope is a "confident expectation". Confident. That one word makes all the difference. 

The Bible also says that hope applies to things we do not see:

Romans 8:24-25 For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one also hope for what he sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

So, if I truly live with hope, what does that mean? 
That means I am living in confident expectation that God will fulfill his promises. 
That I am confident that my dreams will come to fruition. 

I want to live out hope - not just claim it. 

Skipalongs

My great grandmother Mommy Kay (as she was affectionately called by my mother and grandmother) used to have a little notebook in which she would write her thoughts throughout the day. She called this book her "skipalong" book, and it accompanied her everywhere she went (or so I'm told). The lovely thing about a skipalong book is that there does not have to be order, rhyme, or reason to the thoughts it contains. Simple, random thoughts. 

I feel like writing some skipalongs tonight. 

1. My first race of the outdoor track season is only eight days away - a 10k. I'm excited because I love the 10k... but then again, I have only run it twice. It's a monster of a race. It requires loads of mental preparation and concentration. I will likely not be able to feel my legs for the second half of the race. But I love the feeling of running a consistent pace, lap after lap. 

I love feeling like I can hold the same pace for so long. 

This was at my first ever 10k last year.

I'm nervous, too. There is a lot of pressure to perform as well as I did last year, and I have no idea where I'm at compared to then. We have been running a lot of 10 x 600 meter repeats and 16 x 200s, but almost no 400 meter repeats like we did last year. I guess I just have to believe in my coach, believe in my training, and believe in myself. 

2. I'm beyond stoked for tomorrow night. My church is putting on a huge event called Compel. They rented out the Egyptian theater in downtown Boise, flew out a guest speaker from New York, and invited every college age student in the Treasure Valley. I'm driving a few of my friends out to Boise after practice. Could not be more excited!!!

3. The decision about where I'm going to transfer next year has not gotten any easier to make. I'm still overwhelmed and still praying for answers. Letters of intent are beginning to float my way... and they have expiration dates. I know that I am SO BLESSED to be given such wonderful opportunities, and I am grateful that I get to choose. But I need help choosing. A lot of help. 

4. Right now in my sociology class we are studying religion. My two favorite subjects combined. I literally am geeking out about it. I have been telling everyone I know all of the interesting things I am learning, and I just had the best time writing a five page paper on whether or not I believe religion is functional for society. Sometimes, college is fantastic. 

That's all for now, folks. 

Faites de beaux rêves!!!

The "Why" Behind the Workout

After two years of almost daily practices, long charter bus rides, and a few deep conversations, my track coach knows me pretty well by now.

He knows, for example, that I like to know the “why” behind the workout.

Every time he gives us a new workout to do, he turns to me and begins explaining the science behind what we are doing. He explains why we are going the pace we are going, the reason for the specific recovery time assigned, and the goal of the workout.

He has learned that it helps me to know, and he accommodates me graciously.

I think that often times, in life, we want to know the “why” behind everything.

I am always asking God why.

Why, God, would you want me to do that?

Why would you want me to go there?

How will this benefit me? How will this benefit the kingdom?

Why on earth would you allow me to feel this way?

Why why why.

I want every little detail explained to me.

Unfortunately, God doesn’t work the same way my coach does.

God’s ultimate goal is a relationship with us. A relationship of trust.

He doesn’t always explain the why behind things.  

God simply wants us to trust him. To know that he is the ultimate “coach” and that his plan for us has a purpose behind it. This is a difficult concept for me to grasp, but I know that if I trust him, I will be able to run forward with confidence. I will be able to make it through the rough times, knowing that I will benefit in the end (even if I don’t know exactly how I will benefit).

The Bible does not say that everything happens for a reason.

But it does say that God will make all things work together for the good of those who love him according to his purpose.

That’s enough assurance for me. 

Let's Get Real.

After you taste something as authentic as a relationship with God, 

everything else seems artificial by comparison. 

So many things have been striking me lately as completely - fake. 

Take money, for example. It is a constant source of worry. Kings have gone to war over it. People have taken their lives over it. Others claim that it is the source of their happiness. 

But money doesn't even really exist. It is fake. Just a concept, really. I go to work so that money can be directly deposited into a bank account that I immediately use to pay my bills with. I never once touched something tangible... and even if I had cash, all it would be is a piece of paper. The economy is just a system man created. And it rules our lives. 

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And what is the point of racing? Of competing? Sure, I'm a collegiate athlete. I dedicate hours of every day to training so I can be the best runner possible. And I can't believe I'm even saying this.... but it's sort of meaningless. I'm going to get on the starting line and try to beat everyone else. And if I win, I'm happy. If I lose, I'm not. It's just a game of comparison. 

Don't take me the wrong way, please. I still love to run and to race, and I don't think there is anything wrong with it at all! I just am realizing that it is less fulfilling than I initially thought. 

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Day to day life is so full of fake things. Like houses, for example. If you really stop and think about it, they are just boxes we use to store all of our stuff. Boxes that all look the same.

And yes - boxes that keep us warm in the winter. Yes, boxes that protect precious children and are the center of cherished memories. But mostly they are boxes that store all of our stuff. 

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I don't exactly know where I'm going with all of this, but these thoughts have been running through my mind like a wildfire today. There is so much more to life than the empty, artificial things that rule the everyday. I don't want to be consumed with worry or idleness or comparison or greed. 

I don't want to pursue things that are fake. 

I want to pursue the genuine Creator of the universe. 

I want to purse the way, the truth, and the life.