I sort of feel like running has betrayed me a little bit.
What I mean is, I don't understand how I can put so much work and effort in to something and never see the fruit of it.
I don't understand why I'm racing so much slower than last year.
I'm killing it in practices.
I'm so much more fit than I was then.
But I don't understand why it feels different. Why I don't feel confident.
My coach told me today he hasn't given up on me.
He thinks I just need to find that part of me that was here last year... the part that doesn't want to be beat. The confidence. The want. I want it so badly... but that hasn't been showing.
He also told me he thinks I have just taken on too much this year maybe.
Maybe I don't have time to focus as much on running as I should.
... I don't know what I think about that. I DO feel spread thin. But I don't feel I have a choice. And I thought I was doing okay balancing everything.
The point is, after today's race, I feel like doing nothing more than giving up. I feel so down on myself. I feel like I'm never going to bounce back to my old self.
And I feel like I don't deserve to run at a four year.
I don't want this blog to turn into a place of negativity, because I KNOW that everything is okay and that God is bigger than all this and that everything will work out.
But I need to be honest. And I need to get it out. I feel like a failure. I don't know what's wrong with me. I only have a few races left to find that girl that was there last year. Maybe it came too easy for her. Maybe I'll have to work harder.... but I have to do it.