Free and Unfettered!

So this is what it feels like to be a poor college student.

For the first time in my adult life, I can genuinely say that I am flat out broke. Is there any reason, someone please enlighten me,

 that textbooks should cost more than $400? 

Anyone? 

I didn't think so. 

I know it's all part of the experience. Typical. But I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that I am going into debt (something that society frowns down upon) to get a degree (something almost essential in society) because society tells me that's how it is supposed to be. 

I'm not trying to complain. It's not like I'm destitute or anything. I'm sitting in my own room right now in a two story house and writing this blog on my own personal laptop. I'm beyond blessed. 

I'm just amused by it all, I guess. 

The wonderful thing is, I never really need to worry about money. I need to be wise, yes. But worry? That's not for me. 

Matthew 6 says it pretty clearly:

"There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. 

And you count far more to him than birds."

"What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met."

I will be the first to admit that I worry about a lot of things. But God has been working to get me to relax. To steep my life in his provisions. In his reality. 

So that's just some food for thought for the day. And for everyday. 

(Almost) - Home for the Holidays

It's been a pretty fantastic weekend. 

First, let me say that I am thrilled about Thanksgiving break coming up. 

I have to go to school/practice tomorrow and Tuesday, but after that I'll have a lovely five days off. Then dead week, then finals, then Christmas!!! 

I have been listening to Christmas music nonstop, overdosing on all things pumpkin, and loving the seasonal peppermint ice cream I discovered in our fridge at my parent's house (it's my favorite kind!).

 I have also been busy planning what presents I'm going to get everyone. I'm thinking that about 90% of them will come from World Market. I mean, have you been there? So cool. 

I came home this weekend - even though I'm going to be home all next week- because I had a couple appointments I had to go to. And plus, let's be honest, I love it here. 

Right now, I have coconut flour pumpkin cookies in the oven. 

I'm sipping coffee. 

My mom's watching tv and grading papers, and my dad is busy doing something in his office. 

I think my little sister is taking a nap. 

It's just- so peaceful here!

This weekend was full of fun.

This weekend I got to go to GCD (my college youth group), meet up with a friend I haven't seen in years, skype a dear friend who lives quite far from me, and have a girl's night with another dear friend. I went out Friday night with my mom, and I caught up with my little sister.

It also had a little drama. 

I accidentally (and BARELY) hit a car on Saturday. There was the tiniest little scratch, and I was devastated. I made it clear to the owner how sorry I was, and obviously I was going to provide my insurance info (even though insurance would never cover something that little)- but he wouldn't have any of it. He and his wife yelled at me and made me cry in front of their little daughter, and they would not hear my apology. -That got me thinking about how everyone is not really sunshine and roses like I always think they are. It's shocking to me, every time. 

This weekend DID NOT include:

Any running. Or homework. Or stressing. 

But it had plenty of: 

 Bonding time and discussions about God. This lovely lady treated me to dinner, and we spent the whole time talking about how amazing God is and our futures and the wonderful things about life. We finished off the evening watching movies with another friend. 

Two days until I'm truly home for the holidays. Can't wait!!

It All Comes Down to This..

Running for me... it's been quite a journey.

I want to share it with you guys, 

but I'm just warning you that I have a lot to say, 

and this post might be a little long! 

I began running cross country my freshman year of high school, and being the girl that always challenged boys to races in grade school pretty much guaranteed my love for the sport. 

 My memories of cross country and track during high school are wonderful. I had an incredible coach who I am still close with and the best teammates. 

But I always struggled with self confidence in running. I ran for an incredibly competitive district and had very talented teammates. I was a decent runner, but I never saw any incredible success, despite all of my hard work.

I spent a lot of time feeling bad about myself if I had a less than ideal race.... my identity was caught up way too much in my success or failure. 

My senior year, I began to think about where I would go to college. Many of the girls on my team were going off to universities to run at the collegiate level, and I had the same desire to do so. 

I never had any plans to do anything but go off to college after graduating, but I ended up being given an amazing opportunity to spend a year in Paris, France. Though it was the chance of a lifetime, I found myself struggling to choose between running and what I felt God was leading me to do. I was jealous of my friends who had "made it" in the athletic world, but ultimately, I followed God's leading to Paris. 

My first month or so in Paris, I didn't run at all. I got out of shape, but who can blame me- I was in a completely new country and exposed to a realm of brand new experiences. 

I still had dreams of being a collegiate runner one day, however, and I eventually began to train very intensely. I developed a new love for running- on days that I was stressed out because I couldn't speak French or I missed my family, running became an outlet for me. I ran all around the French countryside, and I did plenty of workouts and strength training. I wanted to run in college, and I began contacting coaches to make it  happen.

Enter Treasure Valley Community College, and my first collegiate race above. God worked everything out for me to run in college, somehow. I was given a spot and a scholarship despite the year I had taken off.  I was so nervous to see how my solo training would pay off, and I was pleasantly surprised to see that my 5k time decreased by nearly two minutes!

 I think I was mentally reset in France, and I came back in great shape and ready to compete.

I had a great freshman cross country season, and NWAACCS was everything I could have hoped for.

Little did I know, however, that I had already begun overtraining at this point. The rest of the year with running went okay, but I was slowly losing weight and pushing myself way too hard with extra practice, long weight sessions, and not nearly enough nourishment or rest.

I suppose I had a somewhat perfectionist mindset. I was the most dedicated of the dedicated. I wanted it more than anyone. I was going to push harder, drink more water, eat healthier, and lift more than anyone else. But I didn't have enough balance.

I ended track season successfully (with another All American title), but almost ready to break. I was two steps away from an injury and SO tired. But after a few weeks off, I jumped right back in to training for cross country. 

And then, this summer.... Well, this summer was a rough one for me. I haven't really shared much about it with anyone, but basically- I almost didn't run cross country. 

I went in for a physical, and my doctor was furious with me for how much weight I had lost. And I was surprised... I had no idea that I had lost that much either. I had paid little attention to my weight (except people had been telling me how skinny I looked). I just thought I was in shape, and I couldn't see how it is possible to have "too much of a good thing". It all happened in the midst of me pushing myself so hard every day. I was shocked at what the scale said.

But I was furious, too. I didn't want anyone to take running away from me. I had worked so hard.  had put in two hour runs and ran during vacation and had big dreams.

And I was scared. I was stubborn at first, but I finally recognized that I needed to take a step back and re-examine things.

So I gave it to God. I was so thankful he had helped me get that far without getting injured (I really had not been taking care of myself very well), and I was thankful that he had given me talent and allowed me to blossom in college. 

I really felt like I was supposed to run for TVCC this year still, but I had to give up my "striving" mindset and fully lay running down at his feet.

And He gave it right back to me.

Looking back, I cannot believe how much He blessed me. I got in contact with the best sport's nutritionist who has since helped me get way stronger and healthier. My coach fully understood and tailored my workouts to help me gain strength. My family came beside me and helped me and supported me.

I have run every race this season without an issue. I am healthy and don't look like I'm going to get a stress fracture anymore. And though I'm not nearly as fast as I was last year, I'm so thankful for how evident God's hand has been in my life- and my running journey.

SO here is what I have decided. I'm going to run this Saturday with an attitude of gratefulness. I'm going to run because God has blessed me so much. His grace has been so sufficient for me. And I truly believe that He has planted the desire to run and be successful at it in my heart. 

Maybe I'm just here to be a friend to the people on my team. Maybe I won't win Saturday. But I know that when God watches me run, He delights in it. Because I am doing what I was created to do 

- for His glory.

I'm not going to lie. This week has been hard, and I have felt heavy. When you allow your identity to be wrapped up in success or failure, you live in constant fear. I'm fearful of failing on Saturday. 

But I'm giving it to God. I want to run with joy. I want to run as if it were impossible to fail. Because this is just the beginning of my running journey. Because if I go out there and give everything I have... utilize the gifts He has given me and run for His glory with gratefulness... I cannot fail. I will be happy! That's true victory.

“No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.”

Romans 8:37

Whirlwind

This week is a whirlwind, but not the kind of whirlwind that destroys everything in its path...

A good kind of whirlwind, depending on one's perspective.

A whirlwind of new adventures, growing responsibilities, possible opportunities, and a lot of running.

For me, this has meant a few sleepless nights, trying to process all of the things I have to do and grasp the new season I have come upon. And I don't mean sleepless nights where I can't fall asleep. I mean those nights where, even when I am asleep, I am dreaming about what goes on during the day and continuing to process information or make to-do lists in my mind.

This passed weekend I was blessed to be able to immerse myself in playtime. Little things like shopping at Cost-Co with my mom and getting ready in the morning with my little sister were so nice.

I got to meet my highschool cross country coach for coffee,

and he gave me so much encouragement and good advice.

I went to a wedding. And those are always the best.

I vegged out and watched tv with my parents.

I watched the most ridiculous redbox movie ever with some friends.

I went out to breakfast after church on Sunday with a bunch of lovely people, and I was paid for!

What a blessing!

I didn't have time to be on my computer.

I just played and relaxed and cut loose.

And then came yesterday. The first day of practice.

That was a whirlwind. One of meeting new people, filling out paperwork, and scoping out what the team will look like this year. I will say that it is MUCH more fun being a veteran on the team. Everyone comes to you to ask you questions. You get to lead stretches.

 I remember what it was like to be new to the team,

and I want to make everyone feel as welcomed and included as possible.

We got gatorade waterbottles. Feeling like a pro.

Then I went to work. I had no change of clothes or way to shower (what was I thinking?) so I sat in the government office all day in my sweat.

Another practice at 6 p.m., though,

would have made showering pointless anyway (I don't like showers). 

The practice was followed by a team dinner, and a lot of bonding and getting to know you took place. Needless to say, I got home late. 

And got up this morning to drive back for another 8 a.m. practice. 

A whirlwind, this time, of anxiousness....

Today was a tempo time trial. 

And as much as I don't want to compare myself to other girls on my team... as much as I don't want to fall into that trap.... and as much as I just want to run for me, it's hard for any athlete.  

So I prayed this morning on the way. I prayed that I would remember why I run. Not to be the best. It doesn't really matter if I am. Yes, I'm competitive. But the thing is, EVERYTHING I have comes from God. He gave me the talent, and I have worked hard, trying to put any talent I have to good use.

He gave me the DESIRE,

and he takes so much delight in watching me participate in something I like.

If someone else is more talented than I, so what???

I don't run to prove myself to people.

I run for me. Because I like it. And that is praise.

Let all that I am praise Him!!!!

So now I'm at work again, in my sweaty clothes (again!), and I'll work until team bonding bowling tonight.

The student leadership team retreat is this weekend, and I planned it and will be helping lead it as the incoming President. I also found out I have to make an eight minute speech to the administration, faculty, and staff in a couple weeks. So instead of writing this blog, I should be writing that.

Whirlwinds don't necessarily destroy everything in their path. If you stay firmly planted, you won't get lost in the mess of everything. And as busy and stressful and new and exciting everything is right now, I'm going to remain at peace, in the eye of the storm, resting in His love.

Focusing On Failures

 I will have a longer blog post up later today or tomorrow, but for now I just want to link to Christine Caine's blog from today. It was so encouraging, and I'm so thankful God used it to bring me some peace from in the midst of all the crazy thoughts in my head right now!!!

This is exactly what I needed to hear (read this morning).

"One Little Black Dot"- EquipandEmpower.org

Don't Worry, Be Happy!

^{This really blessed me today, and I want to share it with all of you!}

^{Philippians 4:4-7, Message Version}

^4-5Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute!

 ^6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life!

I love the way this passage sounds in the message version... its just so clear!

This is exactly what I needed to hear this morning. I tend to stress and worry. All the time. But I feel so much peace and reassurance now. I want to get this deep into my heart and never forget it :)