Christmas Break, Running, and Things.

This blog has gotten a bit dusty, so I’m here to bring some life back to it!! Somehow the fall semester slipped away from me slowly… Cross country races came and went, and there were successes and failures alike. Somehow, though it seems it just begun, my senior year of this beautiful sport came to an end. 

My last race was D2 Regionals on Nov 22^nd in Montana. The race was just okay. It definitely was not my best run of the season - that came about a month earlier at a random 6k in Portland. I tend to do better when I don’t put pressure on myself, and that means that championship races are typically not my best races. This is obviously something I am working to fix, but I am still grateful for the races that it does click. The Portland 6k was like that: I locked into a pace, ran as hard as I could, and pushed past the post of exhaustion. I was nauseous, dizzy, and THRILLED when I finished. I had reached a new pain threshold.

At Regionals I ran hard, but I didn’t quite reach that threshold again. I guess it is not possible to do so every time. But I did give what I had, and I finished my xc college career on a good note.   

The academic portion of the semester ended on a good note, as well. I loved the classes I took -  I was studying religion, philosophy, psychology and sociology and eating up every last bit of it. I’m going to miss being a student if I don’t go to grad school next year. I seriously love learning and love this season of life.

Christmas break has been nice. I have occupied my time with training, catching up with friends and family, and babysitting jobs. Typical of my “go hard or go home” mentality, I have been training harder than ever. And I haven’t led the cold stop me. It is initially daunting to head out the door for a morning run in 15-degree weather at six a.m., but it’s actually quite exhilarating. Then I do workouts in the afternoon and lift as well. I want to give everything I have to these last two seasons of running. Indoor track is right around the corner, and I have goals for outdoor track that are ALMOST unattainable… but I believe I can accomplish them.

I have also purposed to spend this Christmas break looking for internships/jobs/opportunities for after I graduate – so essentially “future-planning”. This is almost impossible during the semester because I am so invested in my classes, running, and my social life. So I hope to do some investigating/planning in the next couple of weeks. Emotionally, it is difficult. I still have such big goals for the next four months, and I don’t want to be so future focused that I miss out on the present. Still, it is exciting to think that I could be moving to Boston or London or L.A. (I’m craving a big city at the moment) within the next calendar year.

Within the next calendar year… that is 2015! It’s only two days away… Which means that it has been over four years since I went to Paris. How life has changed… how I have changed….

That’s all for now, but Christmas break has left me with [a little] time to sort my thoughts and write. I have been journaling quite frequently, but nothing has made it to this blog as of yet. I hope that will change. Here’s to 2015!!!

Numbers

Numbers from this week:

2,000 + words written

1000 + miles traveled

200 pages read

60 miles run

54 hours of sleep

12 cups of coffee

8 xc practices

3 loads of laundry (dirty running clothes for days)

1 cross country race

After a whirlwind two-day trip to Spokane for a cross-country race and hours spent toiling over Aristotle, I’m officially exhausted.
It has been a great weekend for sure, 

but I'm still processing everything. 

Exactly what happened during that second mile that
made me lose my strong mindset? 

Why did I feel so much less confident than my race the week before? 

How am I supposed to be a leader on my team if I can’t push past the mental barriers that have been plaguing me for my entire college career? 

How did these last four years go so quickly…
and how is it that I’m already a senior? 

And what exactly does Aristotle think about the 
teleological explanations of human existence anyway?

My mind is full.
Which means I should probably just go to bed and rest before morning practice. 

But a quick note about this weekend. 

My grandmother, who is the absolute most incredible human I know, came to watch me race. She has come to this course to watch me for the last four seasons, and each year we have gotten a picture. I cannot express how grateful I am to have such an amazing support in my life. 

Two different jerseys and three years passed. 

On that note, it's time to get ready for another week. 

“On ne voit bien qu’avec le cœur. L’essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.”

- Le Petit Prince 

Bonne nuit!!! 

And Cross Country Begins!

I'm feeling all kinds of sentimental tonight. Today was my last, first cross country race ever. The first race of my senior year of college. And even though I have an entire year's worth of running ahead of me, I am increasingly aware that I need to cling tightly to every moment. 

It is wild to think that, when I started this blog, my collegiate running career was nothing more than a dream in the distance. I was living in the 6e in Paris and running through the French countryside every morning in the hopes of becoming fast enough to get a scholarship on my return to the United States. As I write this, I realize how silly it must seem to many people that I was thinking about cross country while I was living in a city that most people only ever dream about, but I suppose it shows 

just how passionate I am about this sport. 

I love my team. 

I love bonding over ice baths and long runs and very challenging workouts. 

I love racing. Though I admittedly do much better in workouts than in races, 

I am working on getting the mentality down and becoming more competitive. 

I love that I have the opportunity every day to work 

on bettering myself and growing personally. 

I have learned so much about identity and my weaknesses and strengths.

 And I love that I get to be a leader and encourager on my team. 

Basically, I feel so incredibly blessed. 

I am so grateful for this season of my life. 

So my first race today. The first of many. I am pleased with it, but I still have much improvement to do and big goals to work toward. I am stronger than ever this year due to a summer of heavy lifting, quality seventy mile weeks, 

lots of healthy calories and a lot of stretching and plymo. 

Far from being the end, this is just the beginning. I'm ready.  

Since I Last Stopped By...

The last time I posted, it was Christmas break. 

Now it is almost the end of February. 

There is no possible way that I could ever attempt to summarize the beautiful, stretching, and sometimes  difficult experiences I have had in the last month and a half, and I am not going to try. 

I will simply say that life has been rich and challenging and wonderful. 

Indoor Track Season officially came to a close this weekend with the GNAC championships. The season was fast and somewhat anti-clamactic, but I have developed a love for indoor track and am sad to see the season end. There is something just plain wonderful about being able to run inside when there is snow on the ground. With outdoor season now in session, I have many freezing workouts ahead of me and likely a race or two in blizzard conditions. 

But I'm mostly just sad to see another season slip away. I am becoming increasingly aware of my eligibility winding down, and though I am still a junior, I feel like I am running out of time to achieve my goals. 

More on that later. 

I competed in the 5k and 3k this weekend, and they were both decent races. Nothing phenomenal, by any means. And I didn't PR. But I did engage. And I was mentally positive. And with my track record (no pun intended) of incredibly negative self-talk during races, I am pleased with my mental progress. 

And I'm incredibly proud of my team. We pulled out two third-place spots in our conference, which is the best my school has done in a long time. 

We have some incredible athletes on our team, 

and I am grateful to be able to claim them as teammates. 

So, the 500 plus miles I have logged since December... well, they seem kind of pointless with indoor season gone and no hope for nationals in the near future. But I have to keep working hard and dreaming big. The small things will pay off eventually. I have to believe that. I won't run out of time. I just have to be happy with the small victories and keep inching my way forward. 

School has been overwhelming lately, but I am loving every minute of it. I literally cannot explain how much I love to learn. I am fascinated by every class I am taking right now... Geeking out on Biblical linguistics in New Testament Interpretation, soaking in different cultural practices in Intercultural Communication, discovering new elements of communication in Nonverbal, and learning the essence of the First Amendment in Media Law. I'm a perfectionist and have spent way more time on these classes than I should. But I am so grateful to be able to be a student right now. This is a good season. 

I have so many things to say, and this post has been quite a mess. But the most important thing that I want to convey is how incredibly blessed I feel. Though things are messy and difficult and stressful at times... though I sometimes feel like a failure or am disappointed in my performances... 

these feelings are overwhelmed with the love of God abounding in my life 

and the joy I experience in the community I have. 

I have never, in my entire life, known so many inspirational and kind people. I feel like I am constantly surrounded by world-changers. And I am seriously having so much fun. Despite not having much "free time" I am enjoying the things I do so much and wouldn't change a thing. 

I think that is all for now. Things should slow down the next two weeks, and I will hopefully have time to write some really insightful, philosophical stuff about how time is abstract and actually doesn't exist :) 

Or maybe just my thoughts on the Winter Olympics and social media. 

Mais pour maintenant, au revoir!!! 

Running Rambles

This morning I headed out the door for 

13 solitary miles along a snowy, country road. 

It was freezing and serene and lonely in a beautiful, romantic sort of way. My hips were slightly sore by the end, and I looked forward to sitting by the fire and eating everything I could get my hands on, but the thing is - I could have kept going. When you run for that long, it feels strange to stop. 

Anyway, I feel accomplished and thrilled that I checked off yet another day of my Christmas break running/training schedule. I have been so incredibly motivated the past month. I haven't missed a day of training, and I have neatly written down each day's mileage and accomplishments on a piece of paper that I have tucked neatly into the training binder our coaches made for us. 

And the thing is, I am really enjoying it. Though I definitely have days where the last thing I want to do is run a tempo in the freezing rain, I have a big goal in mind - and I'm wiling to sacrifice for it. 

This is intrinsic motivation at its finest. I don't have a coach watching me or people to impress. I am alone with my thoughts. My feet drag along the pavement for the first few miles, stubbornly screaming at me to slow down or turn around and go home. But then, they quiet. I can hear my breath, I can feel the icy breeze and my numbing hands, and I get into a rhythm. 

I haven't felt this way about running since I started my college career. Since the year I spent in Paris. Since I used to run by myself through the small French villages and smile at people as I passed them (They all looked appalled that I was running and not biking. Outside of Paris, running is not all that popular). 

During those nine months, I ran for me. And I ran because I had a big dream ahead. I wanted to be a collegiate athlete. I wanted it so badly. It is so important to have goals. And so I sacrificed. 

And I made it, and my motivation changed. I began to run to make my coach proud. I ran to impress my friends. I ran to beat my teammates. And slowly, the joy of running and competition seeped out of my heart. It became a job laden with pressure. It became a routine and I dreaded it. 

I was fearful of losing because I put my identity into my performance as an athlete. 

But lately everything has been different. I have been running for me again. And I have been running with a grateful heart, each day thankful that I am not injured (like I was last year at this time) and that I have the opportunity to be a collegiate runner. And I haven't been placing my identity in running or worried or stressed about missing a day - I have fully given it to God. So, I don't feel burnt out or heavy. I feel light on my feet.

I honestly was not too excited to face those icy, lonely miles alone this morning. But they were so worth it.

And I am so excited to see what is in store for me this track season. 

One week left of Christmas break, and then it is back to practice, school, and track meets!  

En Fin

So cross country is over. 

Done. 

Finished. 

En fin. 

And I don't really want to talk about how it ended, honestly, because I have been trying my best not to over-analyze every single thing in my life. 

(So difficult for me). 

And without going into detail, this season has been much different than what I expected. I didn't meet any of my goals... and, though I do feel like I progressed from last year, I am still not the runner that I used to be. I am still struggling so much mentally. And I still am a great runner and a terrible racer. So regionals was the same, old, disappointing story. 

I have spent this week taking a break from running. I am a huge believer that this is necessary after each  and every season. Running is such a mental sport, for one. And I need so badly to mentally reset. I throw myself heavily into my competitive seasons. I am one of those people who won't eat sugar for months and who will fall asleep thinking about my races. 

So the other night I ate a giant no-bake cookie for dinner and stayed up a little later than normal... just to say I could. 

But also, since I am a year-round athlete (the only season I don't compete is summer, and even then I'm training for xc),

  I know my body needs to recuperate and repair itself. 

So I have only run once this week (with a friend, so it was nothing major) and swam one day for fun. The rest of the week I have been lazy as ever. 

I have gotten less sleep than normal, I haven't been chugging water every other minute, and I have been throwing myself into homework in the hopes that I could actually be productive. 

Who am I kidding though? Instead of using the three to four hours each day that I would have spent at practice, I have done other fun things.

 Like going with friends on random excursions to World Market to buy exotic types of dark chocolate.

 And going to the club to sit in a steam room and completely relax. 

And getting buy one get one free Starbucks Christmas drinks (have you had a gingerbread latte? Spiced whip-cream and molasses drizzle... 

it will change your life). 

It has been a nice break, for sure, but I'm ready to get back into the swing of things. I haven't been taking care of myself, and I miss the routine and release of running. Not only that, but I'm still frustrated about this season and I'm ready to unleash in Indoor track. I have never competed in a true indoor season before (my old school didn't have an indoor season) so this will be new to me. 

I want to end this post by stating that I truly am grateful for this past cross country season, even if I am discouraged because of it. While I didn't perform up to my expectations, I am so blessed to be apart of my team. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful coaching staff and athletic department. Coming in as a transfer student, I could have easily run into tons of issues. Many of my friends who transferred to other schools and athletic programs did. But I feel like I mesh so well here, and I was completely accepted as a leader, a friend, and a teammate from the moment I arrived. 

So I'm going to enjoy the rest of this week and weekend, and then I'm ready to reset and get moving again. I still have a year and a half as a collegiate runner, and I'm going to make the most of it!

Also, thanks to my sweet grandmother and awesome cousin Danika who came out to support me in the freezing cold! 

It was such a wonderful thing to have them there cheering for me :) 

Lay Them Down

You know those days where you just feel weighed down and exhausted?

I had one of those days yesterday. Heaviness settled on me like the thick frost that covers the November ground each morning.

It began during cross-country practice. We are tapering this week leading up to Regional's, so our mileage is much lower than normal. It should have been a fairly easy practice, but the cold made it notably difficult.

Winter has come in with a biting cold, and trying to do an interval work out in forty-degree weather is not easy. After we adjust to it, it will not be a problem. But coming off of sixty-degree weather, the cold was a thorough shock. My entire team expressed how out of shape they felt, and our breathing was shallow and sharp.

So I didn’t have a great practice. And I want to blame my poor performance on the cold, but that wouldn’t be an entirely accurate claim. Everyone was running in the cold. And everyone else refused to let it slow them down.

I felt heavy though. Physically and mentally.

My mind was weighed down by so many things. By comparison. By doubt. By discouragement. By negativity. This season has not been what I wanted it to be, and I have been putting a lot of pressure on myself for this last race. A bad practice right before Regional's was the last thing I needed. 

And then, on top of all of that, I began to feel condemned for being so negative! There are so many more important things in the world to worry about. And I am so blessed… what right do I have to feel upset about my performance as a runner when people are starving and countries are war-torn and people don’t know about Jesus? How selfish could I be???

What a seriously depressing cycle of thoughts.

I know that I was being irrational. I know that how I perform as a runner is so unimportant compared to how many things are going on in the world. I know that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ and that God loves me unconditionally and overwhelmingly.

But I just felt exhausted and discouraged. There was more going on in my mind than I could process. I even cried on the way home.

 ....................................................................................

I am aware that this blog post has been incredibly depressing up until now, but I am sharing all of this with a purpose. I don’t want this to be a blog full of needless venting. Instead, I want it to be a documentation of how faithful God is in my life.

When I arrived home last night, I opened up to my mother about all of the negative thoughts I was experiencing. I knew they were not from God, but I didn’t know exactly how to combat them. I felt powerless.

My mother, who is incredibly wise and comforting, began to speak life over me and pray for me. She suggested that I go into my room and pray off the negative thoughts that were clouding over me.

So I prayed. And I woke up and prayed some more. 

I just spent time soaking in the love of God. 

And I felt peace settle over me.

Everything that seemed so complicated melted away in the warmth of His love and affection. And I felt SO much better.

And to top it off…

Right before I was about to get out of bed and get ready for the day, my sister came into my room and told me that my class was cancelled today!!! She had read it on facebook, and I wouldn’t have known if she hadn’t told me.

So this morning has been lovely. I made a nice breakfast, which is a luxury when I’m usually frantically shoving food into my mouth on the drive to school. I finished my statistics homework. And I am blogging now. I think I may even take a nap later. The only true responsibility I have all day is practice!

I am incredibly grateful at them moment. I still feel a little heavy, but I am going to continue to pray throughout this week. I am very intimidated by this weekend’s race, but I am aware how little it is in light of how good God is. My identity is not in my performance. I have to remind myself that every day.

This blog post has been slightly intense, I know, 

but I want to end it with promise.

Everything is so simple, really. God loves us and wants to fight our battles for us. In fact, He has already won all of our battles on the cross! 

We don’t need to feel overwhelmed, heavy, or weighted down – because we don’t need to do it on our own. Instead, we need to “strip off every weight that slows us down…” and “run with endurance the race God has set before us”. (Romans 21:1)

So this morning, and every morning, I want to lay down all of those weights and walk in the joy and light-heartedness and peace that has been promised to me. Today, with time to rest, this seems easy. But I want to do this every day. And I want to encourage anyone reading this to do it, too. 

Whatever it is that is holding you down – whatever mindset, worries, or doubts – 

Strip them off. Lay them down.

The College Dilemma

Have you ever seen this diagram before? Here we have represented what most people consider the ultimate college dilemma. Personally, I would substitute "partying" with simply "social life", but you get the picture. 

The thing is, I WISH it were that simple. Two of three... that's not bad. 

But when you are a collegiate athlete, or you work, or you are actively involved in your church, the triangle shape-shifts into a polygon. 

Then we have problems. 

I am growing increasingly aware that I may not have as much time to blog this year as I would hope. As much as I love to write and record 

my thoughts and observations, 

my time has been otherwise occupied. 

My polygon includes many things - Good grades, cross country, social life, church, personal time (under which I include things like blogging), sleep.... 

the list goes on. 

Unfortunately, I can't have everything. And I am unwilling to sacrifice on many of these areas, including sleep. I'm a 9 hours of sleep a night kind of gal who also wants to make the Dean's list, go to Nationals for cross country, 

and have a buzzing social life. 

Oh, and I'm going to make sure I go to church, 

because I need to keep my priorities straight. 

So what does that leave for me to sacrifice? Personal time, unfortunately. Some days (okay, most days) it's going to have to be crossed off the list. Other days, I will choose to cross off sleep or good grades or social life. I'm aware I need balance. And I'm doing my best to find that. 

So in the last few weeks, I haven't had much time to blog. And I miss it. And I have been doing homework all day. So here I find myself - 

sending out a quick update into the internet world for whoever cares. 

Running: 

I have already had two races. Time is flying by. Both were 4ks, and both were smaller meets. I am such a perfectionist... and it's hard not to be self-critical, but I am mostly content with my performances. I know that I have a lot of work to do, but I am grateful to find myself 

surrounded by such a talented team of girls. 

They challenge me and humble me simultaneously, and though I kind of miss being the fastest runner, I think that I will get faster as a result of not being the fastest. If that makes sense. 

 I pr'd in the 4k by almost thirty seconds yesterday, so there you go. 

I have been working hard (three to four hours of practice related things every day) and taking care of myself, so I'm really excited to see what this season has in store. 

School:

My favorite class, not surprisingly, is my Theology class. Because I am attending a faith-based school, I get to explore the world of religion - which anyone who knows me also knows that religion is my favorite topic. I am a Communications major, however, so most of my time is spent studying organization and interpersonal communication theories and studying research. Blah, blah, blah. I cannot wait until next year... when I can fill up all my extra space with fascinating classes like "Sociology of Religion" and "Modern Day Africa". 

Why am majoring in Communications if I don't love it? Good question. I think I like it, in theory. I think it is a solid degree that doesn't close doors. I think I am ultimately passionate about public speaking and writing and people, and Communications caters to that. But I wish I could just major in Philosophy and go on mind trips every day. Not much of a job market for that....

Friends:

I have met so many new people in the last few weeks, I honestly don't even know who I have and haven't met. I love every second of it, though. Because I am at a new school - and a school that is so community oriented - I have been going out of my way to talk to people and make friends. And it has been wonderful. Cutting a little into my studies, for sure. But wonderful nonetheless. People are more important that Experimental Statistics, anyway. 

Let me also say that it is so. much. fun. to go to school with my younger sister. We play off of each other so well, and I love the fact that, when I tell her about my day, she understands exactly what I'm talking about! We plan on taking over the school. 

At the risk of making this the longest and dullest blog post ever, I'm going to stop there. 

Hopefully I'll be back soon!

Dream A Little (Or Some Other Cliché Title)

I have always been an avid dreamer. 

As a little girl, I walked around with my head in the clouds. Anything and everything was possible, and my overactive imagination served me well for writing stories and playing make-believe. Even in the face of life's many failures (which everyone must deal with, unfortunately), 

I retained my large aspirations. 

Of course, as I got older, I adapted a bit more realistic perspective. 

At 13, I began to figure out that  it was unlikely that I would happen to be discovered by a famous Hollywood producer who happened to be in Idaho. 

And, after taking AP physics and hating every minute of it, I realized that it was a lot more difficult to be an astronaut than I first imagined. 

When I began my collegiate running career at a community college, I began to comprehend that I probably wasn't going to break any distance running world records anytime soon. 

Yet, though I perhaps have more of a realistic perspective than I once had, my propensity for dreaming has never diminished. 

What I mean is, there is still a large part of me that thoroughly believes that I might be a famous movie star one day. That I might travel to space. Or that I might go to the Olympics. 

I just finished my first week of xc training with my new team at the University I am transferring to. My legs are sore and my body is tired. Early mornings, two-a-days, and ice baths will take up all my time from here on out 

(except for studying, of course). 

And I couldn't be more excited. I keep on getting better. I keep on becoming a stronger and smarter racer. And I keep on dreaming. 

Honestly, who knows what the future holds? And who is to say that I might not break the school record, or the national record, or the world record one day? 

I know it's a long shot. I understand that A + B does not equal C. But I have come to think of dreaming as a very powerful tool. 

Without it, we would limit ourselves. 

So I'm going to continue to keep my head in the clouds. 

I'm going to push myself beyond my limits and see where it takes me. And if it only ever encourages me to give my best and never leads anywhere phenomenal, so be it. 

At least I will know I never sold myself short. 

Free and Unfettered!

So this is what it feels like to be a poor college student.

For the first time in my adult life, I can genuinely say that I am flat out broke. Is there any reason, someone please enlighten me,

 that textbooks should cost more than $400? 

Anyone? 

I didn't think so. 

I know it's all part of the experience. Typical. But I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that I am going into debt (something that society frowns down upon) to get a degree (something almost essential in society) because society tells me that's how it is supposed to be. 

I'm not trying to complain. It's not like I'm destitute or anything. I'm sitting in my own room right now in a two story house and writing this blog on my own personal laptop. I'm beyond blessed. 

I'm just amused by it all, I guess. 

The wonderful thing is, I never really need to worry about money. I need to be wise, yes. But worry? That's not for me. 

Matthew 6 says it pretty clearly:

"There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. 

And you count far more to him than birds."

"What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met."

I will be the first to admit that I worry about a lot of things. But God has been working to get me to relax. To steep my life in his provisions. In his reality. 

So that's just some food for thought for the day. And for everyday. 

Au Revoir L'été [Goodbye Summer]

Today I spent two hours in Starbucks sipping a cold brew (it's coffee people!) and getting some quality journaling in. I filled eleven blank pages with every thought that has been circling around my head the past few days, and when I finished I shook out the cramp in my hand and breathed a sigh of relief.

There is something oh so therapeutic about writing. 

And I realized just how much I have missed it.

I'm hesitant for summer to end. I have thoroughly enjoyed the late night trips to the hotsprings, the grass volleyball, and the summer camps

 (church camp for college kids, you ask? Heck. Yes.)

There have been a few ups and downs, no doubt, but I am grateful for all of the memories I have made. 

When school starts, free time will be far and few between.

This summer has flown by, and as I contemplate what this next season of my life is going to look like, I feel the inescapable urge to write down how I'm feeling. So here goes. I'm feeling nervous.

Nervous to run for a new team. Nervous to be a transfer student and not know how anything works at this new place. Nervous to take upper division classes and somehow balance a full day of classes, practice, and homework while still aiming for 8-9 hours of sleep a night (I'm an athlete... we need it!) I can't help imagining myself failing miserably. Not living up to others' expectations of me. Or my expectations of myself...

But then I remember that this is supposed to be exciting. I have been given the amazing opportunity to extend my education at an incredible school. I have been offered a spot on a competitive xc/track team and will undoubtedly grow as a runner in the process. I get to go to school with my sister and best friend. And I get to stay involved at my church which is growing exponentially and now has about 1/3 of the Boise State football players involved.

Honestly, I'm so blessed. And though I often feel inadequate, I have to remember that it is in my weakness that God's strength shines through.

 So I am more than enough.

So here is to a new season. I still have a week or so to catch my breath before the storm, so I'll be relishing the moments undoubtedly. But I am going to look forward with cheerful expectation. God has a lot for me this year, and I can't wait to share everything on this blog. If you are willing to read (and even if I am sending this out into the atmosphere for no one but myself), 

I am happy to write.

It's Graduation Day!

Tonight I graduate from TVCC. 

Though it's just community college and therefore just an Associate's Degree, 

it's still exciting to celebrate life's little accomplishments. I get to make the graduation speech, and I am so blessed and honored to be able to do so, 

I know that graduating with my bachelor's will be a bigger deal, 

but I want to be proud of myself for how much I have grown the last two years. 

For how much I have learned -

 both in the classroom and outside of the classroom. 

It's so insane to reflect on the last two years of my life 

and realize how quickly time has gone.

 I obviously have mixed emotions, but I'm excited for this next stage of my life. 

To move back home. To start fresh at a University. 

To make new friends and learn new things. 

To embark on new adventures.  

Where Have You Been?

Where have I been the last few days? 

Honestly, that's a great question. 

I mean, I have been here. At school. Doing school things. 

Getting ready for finals. That kind of stuff. 

But where has my mind been? 

Well, that's one I can't really answer. 

It's been all over the place. 

I can't seem to turn it off. Thinking is completely exhausting. 

And too much free time 

(which has been my life the last few weeks) means a lot of thinking for me. 

Why have I had so much free time? Well, blame my three week long break from running.... okay, well I ran a couple of days and swam some, 

but it's STILL a break! 

And school is winding down, and I simply just don't have that much to do! Which is nice. But time has kind of drug on these last few weeks. The sun is shining, it's a million degrees outside, and all I want to do is play in the park. Not worry about responsibility. Not stress about finals. 

Not think about my future or my past or make big 

decisions or wonder how I'm going to get a job this summer or feel inadequate. 

None of that. 

I graduate a week from Friday, and I get to make the graduation speech. But after that, TVCC will be a mere memory. How bittersweet is that. I'm excited to move back home. Excited for this summer. And for next year. But it's all a little nerve wracking too! 

I got a summer running schedule from my new coach, and though I'm excited, it will be hard to move on from my current coach and my current team. 

The only picture we got our coach to take with us!

We had an end of the year dinner for Student Government the other night, and that was a completely wonderful mesh of sad and happy. I love all of those people. And it's crazy how fast the year has gone. It seems like just a month ago that I was trying to decided whether to run for president, 

and now the year is over! 

My Student Gov Team Rafting this summer!

Anyway, I am not exaggerating when I say how much has been going through my mind lately. And for some reason, that has made me less active on this blog. I promise I'll get my act together when summer comes. I have lots of things I want to say. Only a few more days. I seriously can't wait. 

Play

I have two weeks left of school. Not even two. A week and a half. 

But I already feel like it's summer. 

The weather is perfect, the majority of my friends are done with school, and track is over. I feel completely unmotivated to do anything but lay out in the sun, have bonfires, and eat ice cream. 

And go camping. I definitely want to go camping. 

My head is swimming with glorious thoughts of summer, 

and I am so excited to play. 

Lately

I don't know if I'm just overdosing on Vitamin D or what (all this sunshine!!!), but I could not have been happier lately. Summer is slowly showing its face, and a mixture of nostalgia and excitement is coming with it. 

This school year is winding down. As I am getting ready to transfer and move on from this college, I cannot help but reflect on the last two years that I have spent here and all of the things that I have learned. I'm so grateful. It hasn't always been easy, but I wouldn't trade these last two years. 

Lately I have realized how much I'm going to miss my track friends. 

They have all become so dear to me - 

there is nothing like grueling workouts to bring people together! 

Lately I have realized how much God's hand 

has been on my relationships here.

Yesterday I had a Bible study over coffee with a dear friend. I left feeling so blessed - so blessed that God has set up that relationship for both of our benefit. I didn't always have friends I could relate to in that way here (though I have had wonderful friends with different beliefs and ideas),

 and I'm so grateful that I do now. 

Lately I have had spring fever.... 

I've been feeling rather lazy. I don't want to do homework - or anything productive really. I just want to go to track practice. And enjoy the weather. Case in point: I went through a box of cereal in two days. Purely because I didn't want to cook anything. 

Lately I have been questioning my plans for next year... 

but you always question big decisions. 

Lately I have been anxious/nervous/excited for track championships!!!!

NWAACCS is less than a week away.

I have a busy schedule - I'll be racing the 10k, the 1500m, 

and the 5k in a period of two days. 

I'm really hoping for a gold medal, but I'm going to enjoy the races. 

Love to race. Love to win. Love to run :) 

It's Simple

Like most college students, I tend to constantly be preoccupied with my future. 

Actually, like most people, I tend to be preoccupied with my future. 

This is a common problem. 

But college, especially, is such a transitional season. It seems that everything I do - choosing a major, getting internships, deciding which city to live in - is in preparation for the next step in my life. 

As a Christian college student, the concept of "calling" 

is of particular concern to me. 

I find myself constantly wondering about God's call on my life, and, in turn, doing everything I can  to navigate my path in the direction that I feel is consistent with this magical call. 

Lately, however, I have been thinking about my calling A LOT. Because I am in the process of transferring to a new school, and because I will be a junior, I am now officially declaring a major. 

I know this is an important decision. I would like to propose, however, that decisions like these are not as important as many Christians (including myself) usually make them out to be. 

I was recently in a conversation with a dear friend who is going to be leaving for Mozambique, Africa in a month to do missionary work over the summer. She made an interesting point.... 

American Christians are so fixated on the concept of "calling" - "I am called to be a doctor" or 

"I am called to be an artist" or 

"I am called to be a stay-at-home parent". 

But do we ever see this mindset portrayed by Christians in third world countries? No - the concept of a specific calling into a specific field is a foreign concept to them! 

They realize that we are called to love God and love people. 

Somehow, American Christians have managed to 

complicate and incredibly simple command. 

I am not saying that God doesn't sometimes nudge people in particular directions - of course He does!!!! I am simply saying that God is not limited by our choices. Worrying so much about whether my career choice lines up with the calling I think God has on my life is not giving God enough credit. 

He is the God of the universe. If I abide in him, and I desire to follow his lead, it is pretty hard for me to get outside of his will.  

Ultimately, it doesn't really matter if I major in political science or nursing. It's about who I am (a child of God) and not what I do! Whatever I do or don't major in, he will work with it. 

 So what now? 

It's simple. 

Love God. Love people.