En Fin

So cross country is over. 

Done. 

Finished. 

En fin. 

And I don't really want to talk about how it ended, honestly, because I have been trying my best not to over-analyze every single thing in my life. 

(So difficult for me). 

And without going into detail, this season has been much different than what I expected. I didn't meet any of my goals... and, though I do feel like I progressed from last year, I am still not the runner that I used to be. I am still struggling so much mentally. And I still am a great runner and a terrible racer. So regionals was the same, old, disappointing story. 

I have spent this week taking a break from running. I am a huge believer that this is necessary after each  and every season. Running is such a mental sport, for one. And I need so badly to mentally reset. I throw myself heavily into my competitive seasons. I am one of those people who won't eat sugar for months and who will fall asleep thinking about my races. 

So the other night I ate a giant no-bake cookie for dinner and stayed up a little later than normal... just to say I could. 

But also, since I am a year-round athlete (the only season I don't compete is summer, and even then I'm training for xc),

  I know my body needs to recuperate and repair itself. 

So I have only run once this week (with a friend, so it was nothing major) and swam one day for fun. The rest of the week I have been lazy as ever. 

I have gotten less sleep than normal, I haven't been chugging water every other minute, and I have been throwing myself into homework in the hopes that I could actually be productive. 

Who am I kidding though? Instead of using the three to four hours each day that I would have spent at practice, I have done other fun things.

 Like going with friends on random excursions to World Market to buy exotic types of dark chocolate.

 And going to the club to sit in a steam room and completely relax. 

And getting buy one get one free Starbucks Christmas drinks (have you had a gingerbread latte? Spiced whip-cream and molasses drizzle... 

it will change your life). 

It has been a nice break, for sure, but I'm ready to get back into the swing of things. I haven't been taking care of myself, and I miss the routine and release of running. Not only that, but I'm still frustrated about this season and I'm ready to unleash in Indoor track. I have never competed in a true indoor season before (my old school didn't have an indoor season) so this will be new to me. 

I want to end this post by stating that I truly am grateful for this past cross country season, even if I am discouraged because of it. While I didn't perform up to my expectations, I am so blessed to be apart of my team. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful coaching staff and athletic department. Coming in as a transfer student, I could have easily run into tons of issues. Many of my friends who transferred to other schools and athletic programs did. But I feel like I mesh so well here, and I was completely accepted as a leader, a friend, and a teammate from the moment I arrived. 

So I'm going to enjoy the rest of this week and weekend, and then I'm ready to reset and get moving again. I still have a year and a half as a collegiate runner, and I'm going to make the most of it!

Also, thanks to my sweet grandmother and awesome cousin Danika who came out to support me in the freezing cold! 

It was such a wonderful thing to have them there cheering for me :) 

Honestly

Disclaimer: The following is probably the longest and most in depth blog post I have ever written.  There is a lot of running jargon in there and it's very real and honest. Ultimately, I know how blessed I am. I have had a wonderful overall experience at TVCC. I have amazing teammates and the best coach. I am going to cry when I say goodbye to them, I know. But I'm also disappointed, and I had to be transparent. Sometimes that's the only way to write. 

I couldn't possibly recount all of the events of the last few days or express the tumult of emotions that have been rolling through my head. 

NWAACCS was physically and emotionally taxing - bittersweet in every way. There were some great things about it - like having family there to watch and support me - but I did not perform as hoped. I cracked under pressure. 

My 10k on Monday morning was a disaster - the slowest of my life, in fact. I was ranked 1st going in and I walked away with 3rd. I could blame it on the girl who sat behind me the whole first half of the race, clipping my heels and drafting off of me while I paced for her... or I could blame her coach who put her up to it. He planned the whole thing with her ahead of time and coaxed her through the whole race, making comments each time around the track that majorly got into my head. 

But ultimately I am the one who wasn't mentally strong enough to finish the race. I am the one who slowed way down and let one two girls pass me. I am the one who failed. 

I can't even explain how frustrated I am about the whole thing. I feel like I let my coach down. An All-American standing doesn't mean anything when you perform terribly. 

Monday night we went to a banquet with all of the participating schools. We all dressed up. We ate gross pasta (I'm probably the only runner who doesn't like the stuff, I know). We got our minds off the competition (yeah right). It was fun.  

But after I felt sick. I was shaky and cold and exhausted. I fell down on my hotel bed and let the weight of the day flow out in tears. Two of my closest friends and teammates listened as I opened up about my disappointment and insecurity. And I told them I hated racing. And at that moment, I really did.

We all fell asleep around 9 pm. I haven't felt so sick in a long time. Blame the dehydration, not enough food, the heat, whatever. But I really needed sleep!

Tuesday morning was a new day, though. I felt much better when I woke up, and I had two races left to focus on. I can genuinely say that they went much better than the first one. 

I led the first two laps of my 1500m, even though I wasn't even close to ranked first. People just paced/drafted off of me and then out kicked me in the end. I knew it wasn't smart racing. But I'm so good at pacing, and that was the pace I was used to running. All this tactical championship stuff is annoying to me. Maybe I should just be a professional "rabbit". (For those of you who don't know, those are the pacers in races that drop out halfway through... they are only there so other people can pace off of them in order to run faster). 

My coach just laughed at me afterword and said 

"well, you certainly keep things interesting!"

Two hours later, I ran the 5k. And I decided to try a different approach. NOT LEADING. So that's exactly what I did. I went out slow, like everyone else. I tucked behind a pack of girls and drafted off of them for a change. It was miserable, though. We were all crowded and they were throwing elbows and it lasted for about a mile and a half. Finally, they broke away. 

And for some reason, I didn't go with them. 

BUT I didn't stop racing. Instead, I slowly chased them down. I ran a killer last mile - must faster than my first two - and picked them off, one by one. Let me tell you something, it's much more fun to chase and pass then to be the target. 

In hindsight, I know I had SO much more energy at the end. I should have kicked harder 

and passed those two girls that were just five seconds ahead of me. 

I could have  should have gotten All American in that race, too. 

I'm not trying to complain. I know I need to count my blessings. I made the podium in all my races. I was the only girl to run all three of those events - quite the triple! 

And I know I should be grateful. I am grateful. 

But at the same time, I'm so frustrated. I just feel like... WASTED POTENTIAL. 

Physically, I should have gotten 1st in the 10k and 2nd in the 5k (the 1st place 5k runner is crazy fast... one day I'll get there). But mentally, I SUCK at racing. I'm a disaster. I'm not competitive. Or something. And the problem is, in the world of college track, all that matters is the races. 

No, it doesn't matter that I can and have run 20-24 x 400 meter repeats at an average of 83 second pace. It doesn't matter that I got tons of sleep and drank my weight in water and ate perfectly and lifted and swam. All of that hard work is for nothing if I don't show up to race. 

Obviously, I have a lot to think about. My coach told me that I just need to take the summer to reset mentally. But I feel terrible... because I won't be reseting for him. I'm transferring. I'm ready to graduate in a few weeks, and I'll be going to a whole new school with a whole new coach and running program. And I can't help but feel like I'm just a total disappointment to my current coach. I KNOW this is NOT true. But it's how I feel right now. 

I know this post may seem far more depressing than my usual ones, but I really felt that I needed to be honest. Right now I'm really confused about why I even do this. I think I love it, but it doesn't feel that way right now. 

I am planning on taking the next two or three weeks off of running, and this will be a good chance for me to reset. But for this rest period, I need to do my best to NOT think about running. I need to eat junk food and stay up late and focus on school and my social life. I need to let myself be bored and take naps during the day. And I need to be in the moment, 

because the moment is passing quickly. 

Hopefully, at the end of this break, I'll have a fresh passion and perspective. One thing is for certain. If I am going to keep doing this college track thing (which is already established) I am not going to have another year (mentally) like this one. If I'm going to keep doing this, working this hard, investing myself this much - I am GOING to see results. I am going to nationals next year. 

Mark my words. 

Dead Week, Rambles, and Races

Dead Week: 

It's dead week this week.

Contrary to popular belief, dead week does not mean that classes are cancelled (and that campus is dead) so that students can study.
It does not mean that the business of every day life has been replaced with cramming and essay writing and black coffee at three a.m.

It means that we get to study - on top of everything else.

So far, I'm surviving. And I really cannot complain. My credit load isn't terrible, and other than some nasty online homework that I left until the last minute (25 pages of essay questions), I'm really doing alright.

Rambles: 

Other than studying....
Most of my time lately has been split between student government and track (like always).

Student government has a lot of projects to wrap up before spring break, and I have tons of meetings to get through this week.

And I am starting to do a few two-a-days a week for track. Swimming some mornings, running others... and then practice and lifting in the afternoons. So far it's working brilliantly, except I am starving all the time. I am going to go broke with the amount of money I spend on groceries, but its all part of the game. There are worse problems to have, for sure, and so far my body is cooperating with my efforts. No nagging knee problems yet. I'm excited to take this relationship to a new level.

In my spare moments I have been able to have a tiny little bit of a social life, figure out financial aid stuff from the schools I am looking at transferring to next year, and turn a few pages in some incredible books I started reading awhile back. One in particular I HIGHLY recommend: A book of Protestant Saints by Ernest Gordon. It is seriously changing my life and is a good read for anyone who is interested in history and philanthropy.

Races:

I have a race on Friday. Actually, I have three. At about noon on Friday we will head west for a very small meet in a very windy town. My coach is having me run the 1500, the 3k, and the 4x4 (to work on my speed). I'm not even going to begin to talk about how I'm a 10k runner and speed is not my thing. I'm going to grin and bear it. And run fast. And I'm going to make it through all three races. And my legs are going to feel like jello.

But then it will be spring break. Almost. And that means two weeks free of races or meetings or textbooks. Bring it on.

And The Countdown Begins

It seems we are always counting down to something. 

It may be something exciting, like Christmas. Who doesn't love ABC Family's 25 Days of Christmas each year? And what about those paper chains that count down to that magical day? So fun. 

Sometimes we count down the days until our next paycheck. Or the minutes of the clock until we get off of work. Some people have the days counted out until summer vacation. Or the release of the next big movie. 

At about four p.m. today, I was counting down the 400 meter repeats I had to do at track practice. 

Those are all seemingly insignificant countdowns. Countdowns that look forward to something. 

Today a countdown started for me, however, that is more scary than exciting.

Two weeks from today, I need to have made a very important decision about where I am going to transfer to next year.

I've talked about this on the blog before, but basically: I am a student at a community college, and I'll have my Associate of Arts in the spring. I have two years left until I receive my bachelor's degree and two years left of eligibility in cross country and track. So I have to choose a school to transfer to - a school where I will obtain my degree and likely continue running competitively. 

Letters of Intent (contracts for college athletes) have expiration dates in which they need to be signed, so the clock is now officially ticking. I am blessed to have choices, but I am a terrible decision maker. I'm always analyzing every possibility and imagining every potential outcome. I'm sick of having conversations about it. I'm sick of thinking about it. 

It should be a relief to finally come to a decision, right? 

The problem is... as much as I love running (or I think I do?) I'm honestly not convinced I want to commit to it for another two years. I don't really love what competition does to me, and I have a lot of other things I want to pursue. That being said, I only have a small window of time to compete collegiately, and I feel like I have learned a lot about myself about balance so that I can compete without becoming too extreme like I have in the past. 

Ultimately, I just need to pray about it. Lay it down completely. I know that God is going to bless me and go with me wherever I go, but I want His help deciding. And I know that He is not going to let me stumble. 

With big decisions, I have learned that it is best to follow peace. So at the end of this two weeks, I am going to make a decision based on inner peace - not what seems logical or practical or exciting. What I have the most peace about. Right now, I feel more stressed than peaceful. But I know that it will all be okay. I know my future is full of promises. 

And I am excited to see what's in store. 

And the countdown begins....

To Run, or Not to Run?

The problem with having a minor injury as a runner (such as tendonitis) is that you are forced to choose between the lesser of two evils: 

1. Not running, and potentially losing fitness and being slower later...

2. Or running, and potentially screwing yourself up so badly that you won't be able to run later when it counts. 

Achilles tendonitis hit me hard this week. Actually, I felt it after last week's intense hills and lifting... and I felt it a little on the day of the Turkey Day 5k. 

I REALLY felt it on Saturday's long run. 

And Monday, I was beat. I haven't run for the last three days. I have been biking instead. Biking is better for my fitness right now anyway - because I can barely get my heart rate up during runs due to my achilles, and so it's pretty much a waste of time. 

I learned last year that pushing myself too hard and not listening to my body and having balance can lead to further injury, so I'm doing my best to baby this....

but in the meantime, I feel like a baby. 

I'm sure other runners understand this feeling. I have some teammates that are having issues as well.

And even though I'm secretly glad to not have to go out in the cold, its frustrating. 

Looks like it's going to be the bike for me again today. 

I want to try the elliptical, but I think that would stress the tendon out more...

The Season That Wasn't...

This season wasn’t what I expected it to be.

It wasn’t full of success and glory.

It wasn’t a step up from last year.

It wasn’t a reflection of all of my hard work

But it was a whole bunch of other things.

It was a learning experience.

It was an opportunity to grow.

It was a chance to develop new relationships and encourage and inspire my teammates.

Cross country has come and gone. The hundreds upon hundreds of miles I have run, the ice baths and healthy eating and lifting weights all led up to Saturday’s race.

It was nothing like I expected it to be. First of all, it was freezing. The day before our race, we ran the course in a blizzard/snow storm!  It was sunny on Saturday, but there was still snow on the ground, and I couldn’t feel my body for the majority of the race. It was so cold, in fact, that I wore arm sleeves.

Yes, arm sleeves. I promised myself I would never wear them.

 Being warm was way more important than feeling cool, though.

I went in to the race with the potential to win, and somehow I found myself decently far behind the first pack at the end of mile one. I was so discouraged, and I started having so many negative thoughts. Like “do I really want to do this again after I transfer?” and “I’m just not fast anymore” and “I just want to be done”. Honestly, it was miserable. My body language shifted from “attack” to “just finish”.

But then, with about four hundred meters to go, I heard my coach yelling at me that the girl in front of me was the tenth runner. That meant that I was one place away from being All American, and I had a chance to redeem myself.

So I kicked. And hard, And I passed her.

And I’m proud of myself for that… because I have a hard time with speed and kicking. And normally when I have a bad race, I don’t go hard across the finish line.

But I shook myself out of it, and I came back.

My dad told me afterword (in the nicest way possible) that I could have kicked two minutes earlier and taken fifth or something. He was right….

So 10^th  place. My two teammates took 8^th and 9^th, right in front of me. I was so happy for them, but they never beat me….  And the whole thing was a pretty humbling experience.

I went from 4^th place last year to 10^th this year. I ran almost a minute slower that I did last year at NWAACCS (I have been about a minute off all season).

I don’t know why this season turned out the way it did.

I think mentally I am just wrecked this year. Maybe physically I am not as strong…

 But I still hold the same attitude that I did before the race – I am so thankful I made it through this season. And I can bring God glory in both victory and defeat. And not every season is the same. And how I placed at one race does not define me.

Our girl’s team walked away with third, which is decent.

The best part of the whole day was that my parents drove all the way from Boise to watch me, and my amazing grandma and my friend Cheyenne that live near Spokane came as well!!! 

I am so grateful to have such amazing support.

So now, I have the week off. And I don’t want to think about running... just for a little while. 

I need a mental break (running is really all I think about during the season).

But after this week, I’m ready to come back. I’m going to keep getting stronger and put in more mileage and get myself together mentally. My coach still has not given up on me, and he was so sweet to me yesterday. I feel like I disappointed him, but he did not act like it at all.

I’m still sort of upset, and I am having a hard time working through everything… but I have learned so much this season. God has taught me so much.

This season wasn’t everything I hoped it would be.

But it was a learning experience. And that’s what life is about. 

*Edited to add pictures

No Title..

I sort of feel like running has betrayed me a little bit. 

What I mean is, I don't understand how I can put so much work and effort in to something and never see the fruit of it. 

I don't understand why I'm racing so much slower than last year. 

I'm killing it in practices. 

I'm so much more fit than I was then. 

But I don't understand why it feels different. Why I don't feel confident. 

My coach told me today he hasn't given up on me. 

He thinks I just need to find that part of me that was here last year... the part that doesn't want to be beat. The confidence. The want. I want it so badly... but that hasn't been showing.

He also told me he thinks I have just taken on too much this year maybe. 

Maybe I don't have time to focus as much on running as I should. 

... I don't know what I think about that. I DO feel spread thin. But I don't feel I have a choice. And I thought I was doing okay balancing everything. 

The point is, after today's race, I feel like doing nothing more than giving up. I feel so down on myself. I feel like I'm never going to bounce back to my old self. 

And I feel like I don't deserve to run at a four year.

I don't want this blog to turn into a place of negativity, because I KNOW that everything is okay and that God is bigger than all this and that everything will work out. 

But I need to be honest. And I need to get it out. I feel like a failure. I don't know what's wrong with me. I only have a few races left to find that girl that was there last year. Maybe it came too easy for her. Maybe I'll have to work harder.... but I have to do it. 

Willamette Invitational, Sep 29th.

I got home from Salem about an hour ago, and I’m beat, mentally and physically. 

The Willamette Invite was today. I love this course. I ran it so fast last year.

This year, I had high hopes coming into it. I was so excited about this course. This was going to be the weekend that I jumped. That I got top ten. That I PR’d.

I have been killing it in workouts. I have so much more energy in races than I used to. I have so much more to give.

BUT WHY DO I NOT PERFORM I can’t answer that question.

I can’t tell you why I spent almost the entirety of today’s race completely chilling. Why I run my mile repeats in practice faster than I ran my mile splits today. Why I barely even competed. And why I ran 40 seconds slower than I did at this race last year.

I should be faster. Physically, I’m way stronger.

But mentally something’s off.

I can’t figure out what that is. All I know is that I spent a lot of the bus ride back very upset. And I asked my coach (who was being way too nice) why he wasn’t made at me… because I am mad at myself.

But here’s the thing about being an athlete. You have to have short-term memory. I have to forget about today… or at least not let it get me down more than it already has.

I let myself be upset for a while. I cried, mentally replayed the race over and over, and ate a McFlurry and gazillion spoonfuls of peanut butter for dinner.

Now it’s time to get my act together. Because Monday we have another hard practice that will lead to another race that will eventually lead to Conference.

And even though I’m not showing it in my races… I want to win. I deserve to. And I’m no quitter. 

XC Spokane Meet and Other Rambles

To finish off my Sunday night, I though I would post a quick update on my race this weekend in Spokane!!! I have races the next three weekends, which means I am a busy running traveling bee for awhile. The charter bus rides, restaurants, hotels, and races are so fun, but they are also exhausting. Sunday definitely becomes a recovery day for catching up on homework, cleaning, maybe church, and grocery shopping (more on that later). 

We left early Friday morning and drove the long drive to Spokane, which is never all that bad when you have loads of crazy funny teammates to talk to and movies to watch. 

We ran the course when we arrived, and I was blown away to find out that it was the SAME course I ran my second cross country race EVER. When I was just a little baby freshman, and I lived in Northern Idaho!!!  I could hardly believe it, but all the memories came flooding back. 

After eating at some fancy pasta restaurant for dinner (I may be the only runner ever who doesn't like pasta), I spent the rest of the evening being lame in my hotel room thinking about my race in the morning. I was anxious, excited, and didn't feel like going to the mall across the street with some of my other teammates. My roommates chilled with me, though, so I didn't feel so lame. 

RACE DAY RESULTS: 

I got 24th out of 154. I should be happy, right???

Well, I would be. But it was too easy. What I mean is, I enjoyed the race because I wasn't hurting. I had way more energy than I laid down. I finished with way too much left. My time wasn't fantastic. Not even close to my PR. I settled a lot. It makes me wonder what place l could have gotten if I had really raced. I don't understand why it is so easy to push myself to the absolute max in practice, but in a race I can barely get myself out of my comfort zone?? I'll figure it out though; its still early in the season.

But some positives....

I love this course. Rolling hills, golf course style (even though its a park). Its perfect for momentum and for my love of running downhill and my bouncy step. And this will be our championship course!!! This baby has potential to be fast!!!!

I passed a lot of people- as opposed to getting passed. I started off in the top five, slowly fell during the first mile... but then made my way back up in mile 3. In the last 400 meters, 

I passed and held off about 5 girls. 

The weather was perfect. Hot, but not too hot. I love it that way. 

My team did well. And I need them to do well. 

We need to pack it like a lunch box if we want to win NWAACCS!

I got home late last night, checked out a local church this morning with some kids from my school, and have been doing mundane tasks like cleaning and homework. 

And grocery shopping. 

Which I HATE. 

I spend hours picking things up that I want (like cereal, frosted animal cookies, salad). Then I go back again and put them back. I think "I don't need cereal, I have oatmeal." "Salad is spendy. I already have broccoli." "Frosted animal cookies aren't healthy. Put those back." It's nuts. I hate it. I'm so stingy and convince myself not to buy things I need, like bread. 

So it looks like I'll be making another trip to the grocery store!!!

In other news, my dad is in Mexico this week with a team from my church. Please pray for him!!!

We took lots of pictures this weekend, but they are on other people's cameras. I'll get them up here when I get them. I'm quite aware all my blogs have been endless words and no pictures...

I'm sorry about that... I'm a writer, not a photographer. I can't help it :)

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

Speaking of sweat.... 

My first cross country race of the season was on Saturday.

And we all sweat buckets, because collegiate women were scheduled right in the middle of the day. 

It was only a 4k. 

And I can't say that it was successful, to be honest. I went out fast and confident. Then exhaustion hit hard. Then I stopped racing, and I just stayed comfortable. 

I don't know why, but I ALWAYS do this. I guess I still have a lot to learn about racing. 

On paper, I did alright. I was in the top third of a very competitive race. But what bothers me was my mindset. Instead of simply running faster when I was not doing very well, I started wishing the race was over.... thinking up what I would say to people to explain why I didn't do well....

 letting myself be convince that I am not fast... 

and blaming it on all the crap that's gone on with me and running this summer. 

When I finished, I wanted nothing more than to be bummed in myself and go sulk somewhere. But here's the thing... 

WHY? What's the point? So the race didn't go how I expected. It was the first race of the season. We started practice 2 weeks late this year. My body is still going through some changes with my new resting/fueling plan. And it was a 4k (which is almost two short for me..)

Plus, I didn't have time to worry about myself. 

I have a whole team full of girls who really needed encouragement. 

So I didn't sweat it. I just took it for what it was and moved on. This was just a season opener, and in no way does it have to be any indication of what the rest of the season will look like. What matters the most is how I inspire the girls on my team to be better. And if I'm sulking I can't do that. 

Of course, I'm still competitive. I haven't really stopped thinking about this race this whole weekend. But I'm not gonna sweat the small stuff. I'm going to focus on the big picture. 

Running On.... Anxiety

The other night I had a dream about my first day of practice.

We were planning on going on an eleven mile run. 

In the dark. 

On a rocky path. 

In the woods. 

Up a mountain.

And I showed up to practice, but I wasn't dressed to run.
And my coach was mad. 

And I had five minutes to change.
So I started sprinting up this hill to go change.

Then I woke up.

Do you guys ever have anxious dreams? 

I knew that I was a little nervous about starting cross country again (there is a lot of pressure returning), but it wasn't until I had this dream that I realized I am actually anxious....

It reminded me of a dream I had the first week
of track practice in seventh grade. 

I was new. 

I was nervous.

I know it's silly to be nervous. 

And I'm excited too, don't worry.

But since I'm being honest on this blog, running in college is a lot of pressure.

Mostly because I put pressure on myself.

And I want to have a good season. I want to do better than I did last year.

And coming off of a successful season, it is easy to fear failure.

But guess what. My motto always has and always will be NO FEAR.

And even though I may not feel completely prepared for the season, I have given everything I have and more this summer. So I have to be confident in that. And I have to be content in giving my best.

My XC Team last year


Cross Country, bring it on.

Thoughts About Work, and Chocolate Is Always A Good Idea

Sorry about the ridiculous title. I'm tired :)


I got up early today, but I wasn't my usual chipper morning time self.
I still managed to pound out an intense tempo run on the treadmill at my school's gym, though, and then I did a little lifting.
I just wasn't feeling an outdoor run. And even lifting, which I usually love, was sort of frustrating because I'm trying a new program and I felt a little lost.

Work today was busy!!!
And I realized a couple of things things:

1. I don't think I could handle working at a job where I have to manage a whole bunch of people and things. As student body president, I am doing it right now... but it's tough. And people at big corporations who do that... wow. I'm impressed. So maybe starting a non-profit, like I was originally thinking about maybe doing one day, is not necessarily my career path. But then again, maybe it is. Maybe I'm in training for it right now....

2. I need to start being less insecure in myself and my decisions. I always have liked to have someone to bounce ideas off of and make decisions with... because I HATE making them. But I don't always have help making decisions in this job. My advisor is not always available. And sometimes, I'm forced to make decisions alone. Not everyone is always going to like every decision I make, and I am just going to have to get thicker skin.

Despite those things, I think I really am learning a lot this summer, and I am sure next year is going to go well. God gives grace for situations that he places us in. And I definitely know I am where I am supposed to be and doing what I am supposed to be doing. So even though I have a steep learning curve, and even though I am going to be the busiest student/athlete/president ever next year, I am confident that it is going to be blessed. I am simply going to focus on God every day and my relationship with him, and the rest will fall in to place.

After such a busy day of work, I returned to the dorms starving and exhausted.
The perfect remedy for that?

Frozen chocolate covered bananas.

My roommate and I had the brilliant idea of slicing bananas, melting dark chocolate, combining the two, and freezing them. Perfection.

Chocolate is always a good idea.

I'm glad to have ended the day on a positive note.
And now it's time for some Bible reading and then sleep.
Goodnight bloggers!

Realizing Less Is Sometimes More

Last night I made a really big decision.

I did something that is completely out of my character. 

I chose not to go to practice. 

I chose not to run. I took a second rest day this week. 

Please believe me when I say that I never don't follow my training schedule. I have followed it religiously since I first became a collegiate athlete. And the training schedule said to go on a 70 minute run. And all day, I had every intention of doing that. 

And since the team meets up on Wednesday night (its not mandatory, but encouraged), 

I went about my day planning to run at 8 pm with them. 

Normally I run in the mornings, and I love it. But I had all day to sit and think. 

And the reality is, I am really struggling right now. I love running, but I have overtrained. I have put so much of my heart and soul into it and not given my body enough rest. 

And I'm paying for it now. 

So last night, I experienced a lot of fear. Fear that was a combination of my own worries and the many conversations I have had with people lately... People who think I need rest. And I realized they are right. I needed physical rest. I needed mental rest. So. Instead of going to practice, my friend and I rode our bikes to get frozen yogurt. 

And I sat there and ate frozen yogurt and watched the olympics. And it was exactly what I needed. And in a way it kind of killed me, too. 

I am undedicated. I am a failure. I am a quitter. People are working harder than me. 

This morning I got up and ran an amazing treadmill workout. And then I lifted. And you know what? I loved it. I love it. It makes me feel so energized and alive. 

But I'm learning a lot lately. And a lot is going on in my life. 

And I want to spare the blogging world the details, but I need to make some changes. 

I'm realizing that sometimes, less is more. 

And I want to be the best runner I can be: for cross country, and track, and my life. 

The overachieving part of me truly believes that to do that, 

I have to push myself to the absolute limit. 

And that's what I have done before. 

If I have anything, its willpower. 

This going hard or going home deal worked for a long time....

But now, to be the best, healthiest runner and person I can be, I have to cut down on my running a little bit. My training will change. 

I shouldn't keep pushing myself to absolute exhaustion.

In the workouts I do, I will be motivated and push myself.

But I will do less. 

And less is more!

And it's crazy difficult to wrap my head around that, but I know it is going to make me so strong and fast. Running a little less will make me faster? Yes, actually, it will. 

So this is a newish season for me. And the next month I'm going to try this out. I'm working with my coach to transform me into a better runner, so I can win NWAACCS this year :)

I made NWAACCS bigger because its a link. You guys, there is way too much color and underlying. 

You wouldn't have known! 

And me deciding to rest does not mean I don't have the mental strength to be an athlete.

I am not a failure. 

I am not a quitter.

I am being wise. I'm accepting advice, and I'm listening to my body. 

And I'll still be training, but the word "training" is becoming redefined. 

It's going to be tough. But I can do it. 

Philippians 4:13

"I can do all this through him who gives me strength!!!"

And one day, I'll kill it in the marathon. Or something :)

Simple

I miss when life used to be simple.....

Doesn't everyone?

....when I was a little girl, and the world was bright and big and beautiful and full of opportunity. 

I still see the world that way. I still want to see the world that way. 

Deep down, I am still a little girl, 

spinning around in a sundress in the middle of a field. 

I am still chasing dreams like butterflies.
                 I am still cloud-watching

and daydreaming about what amazing gifts the future holds for me 

and trying to grasp the secrets of the past.

Deep down, I know that life is full of promise.

I know that there is hope. 

 Sometimes, however, it is incredibly easy to become buried in a seemingly hopeless situation. 

I feel like complication has snuck up on me, and I don't welcome it. 

I want simple beauty. I want hope.
I will fight for it.

Full Swing

The last three days have quite possibly been some of the busiest of my life. I have so much to do... an overwhelming amount. In fact, I shouldn't even be blogging. I should be studying biology, or writing a paper, or trying to get more math homework done (I worked on it for four hours today), or taking advantage of some time to sleep!

Its crazy how seasons can change so quickly! I'm definitely back in the full swing of things...  just a few days ago, I was finishing up a month long Christmas break that fulfilled every expectation I could have! It was so wonderful to see family and friends, so relaxing, and much needed. 

And now, in the midst of all of this craziness, I am wondering how I am  going to get through this quarter with my head above water. With a loaded class schedule, practice and meets, guitar lessons, and a possible job on student government, it may be easy to get overwhelmed. 

I know, though, that the most important thing is always God. I never want to get so busy that I lose track of my priorities. I never want to go through my day so distracted by my agenda that I miss out on something He has for me. I don't want to sacrifice relationships either. Life is about loving people after all, not accomplishments. 

Overall, I am pretty positive about this new quarter. In fact, I am more than positive. God has already come through with so many answers to prayer and opened up so many doors of opportunity, and it has only been three days! 2012 may have started off rocky... I had to watch my sister say goodbye again to her deployed husband, and I found out my very wonderful friend has leukemia... In addition to these things, but much less important, I have been struggling with a few issues too. Aren't we always struggling with something? I watch my sister face her trial with such grace, and I have never seen so much joy and faith as there was on my friend's face when I visited her at the hospital. 

No matter all of these things, I have so much faith for this year. Like my older sister told me, it doesn't matter how 2012 began, because the first couple of days do not determine the whole year! 

Its just the beginning.