Exploring Religions - Christian Science

An abridged version of this essay will go out in my father's newsletter for Gatebreaker Ministries in the fall. Though this is hardly exhaustive, however, it is much more detailed and expressive and personal than the article I wrote for Gatebreakers. 

Located right in the heart of downtown Boise on the corner of 10^th and Bannock is a trendy little coffee shop known as “The District”. With its vintage furniture, fair trade coffee, and novelty menu items such as cardamom and lavender lattés, The District has all of the characteristics of the hipster-brand coffee establishments that have been springing up all over the Northwest.

The District has become quite popular, and it is especially frequented by members of the twenty-something Christian community. And, as cliché as it is, one of this demographics’ favorite pastimes is to discuss philosophy, religion, or politics while sipping on cappuccinos.  We believe we can solve the world’s problems by simply turning over ideas and conversing about solutions. The conversation always turns back to Jesus, of course, and we grow with excitement as we ponder the relentless love exhibited by the cross and wonder at the power of the resurrection.  The passion inside of us bubbles up to overflowing, and we realize that we don’t need to solve the world’s problems. They have already been solved. We simply need to deliver the world that message.

One Wednesday evening, having just finished such an exchange, I left the District and began walking to my car. I felt equally inspired and dutiful, and my thoughts were still occupied with the prior conversation. As I walked, however, my attention was drawn to a sign on a building I had never before noticed. It read “Christian Science Reading Room”. My curiosity was sparked. Venturing nearer, I recognized a Bible in the window display. It was surrounded with several informational pamphlets and another book entitled “Science and Health” by Mary Baker Eddy.

Curiosity had had led me to that spot, but a more powerful force now held me there. Though God has given me a deep passion for studying different religions that has led me to educate myself about various belief groups, I realized that I knew next-to-nothing about Christian Science. I felt an undeniable tugging on my heart from the Holy Spirit, and I knew I needed to go inside. Whatever this religion was, I needed to learn about it.

So I went inside. As it’s name implied, the “reading room” was a designated building for both reading and contemplation. The texts of choice? The Bible - the very same Christian Bible that I have read and studied throughout my life - and Science and Health, a guidebook and interpretation of the Bible written by Mary Baker Eddy. A kind man at the front desk greeted me hospitably and was more than willing to answer any of my questions regarding Christian Science. He seemed pleased (and perhaps even slightly surprised) that such a young girl had wandered into this seemingly quiet religious venue.

Of course I had many questions, and these questions opened the door to a genuine conversation regarding our respective faiths. My purpose was not to convert this kind hearted man, but instead I endeavored to understand him and what he believed. He grew up in the Church of Christ, Scientist, and had dedicated his life to its claims. He gently corrected my assumption that Christian Science was related to Scientology – a religion that has recently become popular due to some of its celebrity members. The two religions, in fact, have almost no similar properties, but they are commonly associated.

Like a child on her first day of school, I did my best to soak up every bit of knowledge that my instructor was trying to teach me. He explained that Christian Science is centered on the belief that man is not physical, but spiritual. According to Science and Health: “Spirit is God, and man is His image and likeness. Therefore man is not material; he is spiritual”(S&H 468). Growing up in a charismatic tradition, I am in no way taken back by the idea that man is spiritual. And the idea that man is made in the image of God (Genesis 1:7) is entirely Biblical and foundational to Christianity.

I was surprised, however, by what I was told next. Based on the understanding that man is spiritual, Christian Scientists claims that matter - such as bone, blood, and flesh - does not exist. In accordance with this, Christian Scientists believe that sin and sickness do not truly exist.  The consequences of sin and sickness, therefore, are only real as long as humans believe that they are. Therefore medicine is not encouraged.

My new friend continued to explain that Christian Science recognizes the importance of Jesus as a “way-shower”. Jesus was, in fact, “the way, the truth, and the life” (John 14:16), Science and Health, however, teaches that Jesus was not himself God, but the son of God. "Jesus is the name of the man who, more than all other men, has presented Christ, the true idea of God, healing the sick and sinning and destroying the power of death" (Science and Health, Mary Baker Eddy, 473:10-17).

When I inquired after the trinity, I was informed that Christian Science doesn’t affirm the trinity. The threefold nature of God is recognized by this church as “Life, Truth, and Love” (Science and Health, 331:26-332:3). They do not believe that God is Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, however. I was informed by one of my Christian Science friends that the Holy Spirit of the Bible does not refer to a person but instead to “divine science”.

If you are confused at this point, don’t worry. I was too. I felt as if I had entered a sort of metaphysical, humanistic world. Which is pretty much exactly the kind of world that Science and Health really teaches.

What confused me the most, however, was not the doctrine of this sect that was completely foreign to me. What confused me the most was the fact that all of its claims were based on the Bible – and that they kind of made sense. Moreover, this man I had been speaking to was so completely convinced that he had the truth. With all of the compassion he could muster, he held it out for me to take.

As all deep thinkers must constantly do, I wrestled with these thoughts and attempted to sort out truth from falsehood. There was truth present in what he was telling me…. But there was falsehood, too. And if what he was saying wasn’t false…. then I was the one who was wrong.

However, after grappling with these ideas for a time, attending a Christian Science church service for more information, and studying the Bible and Biblical resources, I was able to more readily discern the major flaws in the Christian Science doctrine.

Though I accept the idea that man is spiritual as Biblical and believe that we are made in the image of God, (Genesis 1:26), this idea has been taken to the extreme in Christian Science. Anything taken to the extreme can be hazardous.

Furthermore, there is absolutely no place in the Bible that Jesus heals anyone by telling him or her to deny the reality of sickness (Gatebreakers, 161). If Jesus truly was the “way shower” and sickness really is a false reality, wouldn’t Jesus have explicitly said this to his followers?

Lastly, not only do I believe that the Bible supports the Trinity, but I also cannot adhere to any doctrine that denies the divinity of Jesus Christ. This fact is supported in John 1:1 and John 1:14 to name just two of several scriptural backings.

Perhaps most importantly, I was struck by something that my friend said - very casually - during our conversation. “Jesus showed us how to use God to be the best versions of ourselves”. “Use God”? His word choice in this case was unintentional and subtle but incredibly telling. How can we…. mere human beings… claim to use God? Or even have the audacity to try to do so? ANY religion that puts me on the same level as God is one that I cannot possibly accept or adhere to.

Still, I am disturbed by how faithfully people cling to these doctrines… and to other religious doctrines for that matter. I have been actively studying Mormonism for quite some time now. I have had conversations with the kindest and most devoted Muslims. A Jehovah’s Witness missionary came to my door the other day with a warm smile and a message that he would take to the ends of the earth. All of them thinking they have the truth.

And I think I have the truth. I know I do, actually. Because Jesus is the truth. Jesus is the answer. The simple gospel. The way to the Father. Kingdom reality. He is the only thing that makes sense after all of my questioning and philosophizing.

I will not go so far as to claim I have the whole truth. I think that is an ignorant claim for any Christian to make. There are so many ways to interpret the Bible and even Christians disagree on fundamental things like hell and salvation. And I can’t answer all of the many questions that arise in my mind about universalism and such… accept that I believe that God judges the heart. So I pray earnestly that the people I speak to will seek and find the love of Jesus.

In his book Metaphysics, Aristotle wrote: “It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.” This is exactly what I aim to do as I embark on this new journey of studying other religions. I have to reflect on ideas that are messy and difficult, and as I seek after truth my faith will be challenged…. And hopefully strengthened.

My purpose in writing this is not only to inform readers about Christian Science. It also is to encourage people to be bold and loving in the face of religions that contradict their own. We are called to be a light in the darkness, and conversation is a key component to spreading the love of God. Of course we must approach these conversations with heavenly wisdom (James 3:17), but we should also approach them with love and genuine interest. We are called to be missionaries in our communities, and sometimes this can be as simple as showing interest in what others are interested in. Instead of fearing ideas that are different, we need to equip ourselves with knowledge of the Bible and engage in conversations and relationships with people of other faiths.

Sometimes we need to step out of our coffee shop conversations and step into the real and messy world. It is there that we will be challenged and stretched. It is there that God will work through us and in us. It is there that we will see our faith in action. 

En Fin

So cross country is over. 

Done. 

Finished. 

En fin. 

And I don't really want to talk about how it ended, honestly, because I have been trying my best not to over-analyze every single thing in my life. 

(So difficult for me). 

And without going into detail, this season has been much different than what I expected. I didn't meet any of my goals... and, though I do feel like I progressed from last year, I am still not the runner that I used to be. I am still struggling so much mentally. And I still am a great runner and a terrible racer. So regionals was the same, old, disappointing story. 

I have spent this week taking a break from running. I am a huge believer that this is necessary after each  and every season. Running is such a mental sport, for one. And I need so badly to mentally reset. I throw myself heavily into my competitive seasons. I am one of those people who won't eat sugar for months and who will fall asleep thinking about my races. 

So the other night I ate a giant no-bake cookie for dinner and stayed up a little later than normal... just to say I could. 

But also, since I am a year-round athlete (the only season I don't compete is summer, and even then I'm training for xc),

  I know my body needs to recuperate and repair itself. 

So I have only run once this week (with a friend, so it was nothing major) and swam one day for fun. The rest of the week I have been lazy as ever. 

I have gotten less sleep than normal, I haven't been chugging water every other minute, and I have been throwing myself into homework in the hopes that I could actually be productive. 

Who am I kidding though? Instead of using the three to four hours each day that I would have spent at practice, I have done other fun things.

 Like going with friends on random excursions to World Market to buy exotic types of dark chocolate.

 And going to the club to sit in a steam room and completely relax. 

And getting buy one get one free Starbucks Christmas drinks (have you had a gingerbread latte? Spiced whip-cream and molasses drizzle... 

it will change your life). 

It has been a nice break, for sure, but I'm ready to get back into the swing of things. I haven't been taking care of myself, and I miss the routine and release of running. Not only that, but I'm still frustrated about this season and I'm ready to unleash in Indoor track. I have never competed in a true indoor season before (my old school didn't have an indoor season) so this will be new to me. 

I want to end this post by stating that I truly am grateful for this past cross country season, even if I am discouraged because of it. While I didn't perform up to my expectations, I am so blessed to be apart of my team. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful coaching staff and athletic department. Coming in as a transfer student, I could have easily run into tons of issues. Many of my friends who transferred to other schools and athletic programs did. But I feel like I mesh so well here, and I was completely accepted as a leader, a friend, and a teammate from the moment I arrived. 

So I'm going to enjoy the rest of this week and weekend, and then I'm ready to reset and get moving again. I still have a year and a half as a collegiate runner, and I'm going to make the most of it!

Also, thanks to my sweet grandmother and awesome cousin Danika who came out to support me in the freezing cold! 

It was such a wonderful thing to have them there cheering for me :) 

Unripe Fruit

Have you ever bitten into a strawberry (or any kind of fruit for that matter) 

that wasn't quite ripe yet? 

I LOVE strawberries, 

and I am ecstatic about them almost being in season again.

But there is nothing worse than buying strawberries 

and having to wait to eat them! 

There have been quite a few times that I lacked patience, and, instead of waiting until my strawberries were perfectly ripe, I ate them as they were - 

a little green and everything. 

And you know what? They tasted terrible. Not nearly as good as normal strawberries. In fact, I didn't like them very much at all. 

...................................................................................................................................................................

Lately, I have sort of felt like a failure. 

I'm not looking for sympathy - or even being down on myself - 

I'm just making a point. 

I have worked really hard this year at a lot of things, and I have always been of the mentality that "you reap what you sew".  So, naturally, I have expected that my hard work would lead to success. 

This has not always been the case, however. I have been sewing and sewing and sewing in various areas of my life, and I have yet to reap the benefits I desired. 

I have been working hard, 

and that hard work has not quite come to fruition yet.... 

As a result, I found myself asking God the other day "What is the point of all my hard work if it's not bearing any fruit? 

Why am I investing myself into all these things to no avail?" 

I feel like God wants me to pour into all the relationships he has placed in my life and work hard at all of the tasks I have been given (track, school, government), but it is sometimes discouraging when I don't see any fruit. 

But I came across this verse this morning when I was reading the Bible. 

Isaiah 49:4 

I replied "But my work seems so useless! I have spent my strength for nothing and to no purpose. Yet I leave it all in the Lord's hand; I will trust God for my reward."

Here, Isaiah was struggling with the exact thing I have been struggling with.

 But he clearly recognized that, despite the evidence,

 he was to trust God and God alone for his reward.

...................................................................................................................................................................

I have to do the same thing. 

Instead of biting into fruit that is unripe, 

I need to be patient and trust God to bear fruit in my life. 

After all, it is not in my own strength that I accomplish anything - 

it is through his strength (Philippians 4:13). 

I'm sure those strawberries will taste a whole lot better 

if I wait for them to ripen!!!

Religion According to Siri

Siri is the best. 

Or so I've heard. I don't actually have an iphone. 

Or any kind of smart phone, for that matter. 

But my little sister Liberty does. And she loves to have conversations with Siri. 

About what she should wear. About the weather. About religion. 

This is what happened when Liberty asked Siri if she believed in God last week:

Apparently iphones don't have religion. 

But humans do. Religion is a man-made entity, in fact. A social institution. Man's attempt to get to God. Religion can do a lot of good. It can provide solace for the broken hearted. It can organize food drives and mission trips. 

It can offer a sense of community.

But because religion is man-made, it is also often corrupted. 

I am planning to double major in religion and broadcasting, and I am fascinated about the many religions that exist and have existed. But it also breaks my heart to learn about some of the emptiness that has stemmed from religion without a relationship with God. A man-made attempt at righteousness.  

In my sociology class this term we have been studying religion, 

and I read some things that I wanted to share. I am not trying to make any points at all. I just find this all so interesting and I truly enjoy studying it. 

Apparently, people who attend religious services at least once a week have 25 percent fewer deaths than people who don't go to church. That's straight out of my textbook. Lifestyle and social class were adjusted for to produce these results... before that, the number was 30 percent. Moreover, people who attend church services live 

an average of 7 and 1/2 years longer that those who don't. 

From a sociological standpoint, these numbers are difficult to explain. 

Sociology simply studies the affects that religion has on people's lives - it does not attempt to verify a higher power or to support one religion over another. 

Therefore, sociologists cannot claim 

that these low mortality rates are due to a god.

 They theorize that perhaps the low mortality rate is due to good psychological health. Prayer (or meditation) has been proven to alter brain activity in a positive way. Additionally, most religions practice forgiveness, and this practice helps eliminate depression and feelings of anger.

My textbook also addresses the future of religion in regards to the internet. A vast majority of people today do not attend church - they listen to a message online when they get a chance. Others pay money for someone to pray on their behalf at a Hindu temple in India  - "food offerings to Vishnu included in the price". You can even attend a virtual mosque with an avatar!!! The institution of religion appears to be shifting somewhat I'd say!!!

I am excited to continue to learn about religion.

I'll probably have to learn from a different source than Siri, though. 

She may not have all the answers after all ;) 

The "Why" Behind the Workout

After two years of almost daily practices, long charter bus rides, and a few deep conversations, my track coach knows me pretty well by now.

He knows, for example, that I like to know the “why” behind the workout.

Every time he gives us a new workout to do, he turns to me and begins explaining the science behind what we are doing. He explains why we are going the pace we are going, the reason for the specific recovery time assigned, and the goal of the workout.

He has learned that it helps me to know, and he accommodates me graciously.

I think that often times, in life, we want to know the “why” behind everything.

I am always asking God why.

Why, God, would you want me to do that?

Why would you want me to go there?

How will this benefit me? How will this benefit the kingdom?

Why on earth would you allow me to feel this way?

Why why why.

I want every little detail explained to me.

Unfortunately, God doesn’t work the same way my coach does.

God’s ultimate goal is a relationship with us. A relationship of trust.

He doesn’t always explain the why behind things.  

God simply wants us to trust him. To know that he is the ultimate “coach” and that his plan for us has a purpose behind it. This is a difficult concept for me to grasp, but I know that if I trust him, I will be able to run forward with confidence. I will be able to make it through the rough times, knowing that I will benefit in the end (even if I don’t know exactly how I will benefit).

The Bible does not say that everything happens for a reason.

But it does say that God will make all things work together for the good of those who love him according to his purpose.

That’s enough assurance for me. 

Are You Listening?

You know those days when you cannot seem to formulate the right words? When you try to make a joke and end up tripping over the punchline? Or when you mean to give someone a compliment but it comes out more like an insult?

Sometimes writing is like that for me. Sometimes my thoughts come together perfectly, and I can articulate everything I want to say... Other days I cannot seem to write a coherent sentence.  This whole last week I have felt like that. I had so many thoughts swirling around my head, and I felt like God was speaking to me , but I couldn’t seem to put any of my ideas together.

Today, however, everything clicked. The things that I have been trying to figure out how to say finally came together. I felt as if I had seen the light. And I realized something:

When you can’t figure out how to articulate a thought or an idea, WAIT. God is probably not done speaking revelation to you. He probably wants you to listen – not speak. If you wait on Him and listen, he will reveal things to you and whisper in your ear. But don’t expect to receive revelation if you always want to do the talking…

Here are some things God has been speaking to me: 

There is no such thing as a perfect theology. There is, however, a perfect God. Pursue Him. Don’t ever think you have it all figured out.

And…

Don’t think too much – unless it’s about God’s love. Thinking too much can be a serious trap and can lead to depression. But meditating on His love is refreshing and encouraging.

Like I said, these are things God has been teaching me and things that I have been learning, but I hope you all can benefit from them as well.

What is God speaking to you today? Are you paying attention? 

On Comparison

Let's talk about comparison. 

It's a trap that so many of us fall into. So many of us, in fact, that I would almost label it a spiritual epidemic. 

It's contagious, and if left unchecked it flows 

through the bloodstream attacking life. 

Comparison is embedded into American culture. Young girls and boys alike pine over magazines and idolize the figures that cover them. They wonder why they can't look like that or be that talented. 

Aspiring business associates obsess over outcompeting their co-workers. They think that satisfaction will come with success - and that success will come when they are the best of the best. 

I'm sure that even philanthropists would admit that they feel a sense of inadequacy when someone gives a larger contribution to a good cause than they themselves are able to give. 

Comparison is a direct attack on identity. 

And I am becoming increasingly aware of the negative hold 

that comparison has on my own life. 

Let's take running, for example. This week has been full of strenuous and challenging workouts. And I have made it through them all. I have hit all the times my coach told me to hit. I have surprised myself by how in shape I am. 

But I have not finished one workout completely happy. Why? Because I spent the entirety of those workouts comparing myself to the other girls. Was I ahead? Right on track (even if I didn't go my fastest). Did I get out-kicked? Terrible (even if I did my best). I realize that it's difficult not to compare yourself when you are competing. But that should not be what drives me.

I fall into the comparison trap in other ways too. 

When people have more friends than I do, are nicer than I am... 

heck, even when people seem to be "better" Christians than me!!!

It has taken me years to realize what poisonous thinking this is. 

God never meant for his children to compare themselves amongst each other. He created each one of us unique to his heart. 

Psalm 139:13 says that he "knit [us] together in [our] mother's womb" and his thoughts about us "outnumber the grains of sand on the shore". 

He created us each for a purpose. To worship him and love him in a way that only we can. He doesn't want us to find our identity in our failures or our accomplishments...

He wants us to find our identity in him. In his love. 

That's the cure. 

His love for us is so extravagant and so personal. There is NOTHING any of us could do for him to love us any more or any less. He created me a specific way. With a unique face, and specific talents, and funny quirks, and certain desires. And He loves me. 

John 15:9 says that we should "abide" in his love. 

To abide: to dwell; to await in expectation. 

Our identity needs to dwell in the love of God. 

Otherwise, we will dwell in comparison. 

We will be fragile and easily broken. 

Comparison is the enemy's tool to distract us from how much God loves us.

 To distract us from the unique call
and mantle that God has placed over each of us. 

I'm sick of being sick. Are you? 

I'm Proud of Myself

I'm proud of myself. 

Because today, I went out on a run. And I had absolutely no idea how long I would go. I was just going to listen to my body (or my achilles at this point) and stop when I felt irritation.

And at nine minutes, I felt it. Oh yes, I did. 

Unfortunately, I was still about 3/4 miles from the house. So I didn't have very many options except to walk back... in the cold. I jogged a little bit, but I mostly walked. 

I didn't want to screw up my achilles in any way. 

When I got home I spent some quality time with a rolling pin that is going to become my best friend while I'm on break, seeing as I have limited access to a 

marshmallow roller (or what ever those things are called). 

And then I went to the gym to cross train. Oh, the joys of cross training. Secretly I really like it, but I feel like I'm never doing enough, so it freaks me out. 

But another reason why I'm proud of myself...? 

I have been strangely calm about this whole situation. 

Old Susanna would have been freaking out that she couldn't run and her first 10k of the season is not too far away. But I have learned so much this year, and I realize that worrying about something I can't change is wasted energy. 

I'd rather spend that energy getting better. 

And shopping with my mom. 

And going to church!

And at fun Christmas parties!!!

It's all going to be okay. And I'm not just saying that. I know it!!!

The Season That Wasn't...

This season wasn’t what I expected it to be.

It wasn’t full of success and glory.

It wasn’t a step up from last year.

It wasn’t a reflection of all of my hard work

But it was a whole bunch of other things.

It was a learning experience.

It was an opportunity to grow.

It was a chance to develop new relationships and encourage and inspire my teammates.

Cross country has come and gone. The hundreds upon hundreds of miles I have run, the ice baths and healthy eating and lifting weights all led up to Saturday’s race.

It was nothing like I expected it to be. First of all, it was freezing. The day before our race, we ran the course in a blizzard/snow storm!  It was sunny on Saturday, but there was still snow on the ground, and I couldn’t feel my body for the majority of the race. It was so cold, in fact, that I wore arm sleeves.

Yes, arm sleeves. I promised myself I would never wear them.

 Being warm was way more important than feeling cool, though.

I went in to the race with the potential to win, and somehow I found myself decently far behind the first pack at the end of mile one. I was so discouraged, and I started having so many negative thoughts. Like “do I really want to do this again after I transfer?” and “I’m just not fast anymore” and “I just want to be done”. Honestly, it was miserable. My body language shifted from “attack” to “just finish”.

But then, with about four hundred meters to go, I heard my coach yelling at me that the girl in front of me was the tenth runner. That meant that I was one place away from being All American, and I had a chance to redeem myself.

So I kicked. And hard, And I passed her.

And I’m proud of myself for that… because I have a hard time with speed and kicking. And normally when I have a bad race, I don’t go hard across the finish line.

But I shook myself out of it, and I came back.

My dad told me afterword (in the nicest way possible) that I could have kicked two minutes earlier and taken fifth or something. He was right….

So 10^th  place. My two teammates took 8^th and 9^th, right in front of me. I was so happy for them, but they never beat me….  And the whole thing was a pretty humbling experience.

I went from 4^th place last year to 10^th this year. I ran almost a minute slower that I did last year at NWAACCS (I have been about a minute off all season).

I don’t know why this season turned out the way it did.

I think mentally I am just wrecked this year. Maybe physically I am not as strong…

 But I still hold the same attitude that I did before the race – I am so thankful I made it through this season. And I can bring God glory in both victory and defeat. And not every season is the same. And how I placed at one race does not define me.

Our girl’s team walked away with third, which is decent.

The best part of the whole day was that my parents drove all the way from Boise to watch me, and my amazing grandma and my friend Cheyenne that live near Spokane came as well!!! 

I am so grateful to have such amazing support.

So now, I have the week off. And I don’t want to think about running... just for a little while. 

I need a mental break (running is really all I think about during the season).

But after this week, I’m ready to come back. I’m going to keep getting stronger and put in more mileage and get myself together mentally. My coach still has not given up on me, and he was so sweet to me yesterday. I feel like I disappointed him, but he did not act like it at all.

I’m still sort of upset, and I am having a hard time working through everything… but I have learned so much this season. God has taught me so much.

This season wasn’t everything I hoped it would be.

But it was a learning experience. And that’s what life is about. 

*Edited to add pictures

It All Comes Down to This..

Running for me... it's been quite a journey.

I want to share it with you guys, 

but I'm just warning you that I have a lot to say, 

and this post might be a little long! 

I began running cross country my freshman year of high school, and being the girl that always challenged boys to races in grade school pretty much guaranteed my love for the sport. 

 My memories of cross country and track during high school are wonderful. I had an incredible coach who I am still close with and the best teammates. 

But I always struggled with self confidence in running. I ran for an incredibly competitive district and had very talented teammates. I was a decent runner, but I never saw any incredible success, despite all of my hard work.

I spent a lot of time feeling bad about myself if I had a less than ideal race.... my identity was caught up way too much in my success or failure. 

My senior year, I began to think about where I would go to college. Many of the girls on my team were going off to universities to run at the collegiate level, and I had the same desire to do so. 

I never had any plans to do anything but go off to college after graduating, but I ended up being given an amazing opportunity to spend a year in Paris, France. Though it was the chance of a lifetime, I found myself struggling to choose between running and what I felt God was leading me to do. I was jealous of my friends who had "made it" in the athletic world, but ultimately, I followed God's leading to Paris. 

My first month or so in Paris, I didn't run at all. I got out of shape, but who can blame me- I was in a completely new country and exposed to a realm of brand new experiences. 

I still had dreams of being a collegiate runner one day, however, and I eventually began to train very intensely. I developed a new love for running- on days that I was stressed out because I couldn't speak French or I missed my family, running became an outlet for me. I ran all around the French countryside, and I did plenty of workouts and strength training. I wanted to run in college, and I began contacting coaches to make it  happen.

Enter Treasure Valley Community College, and my first collegiate race above. God worked everything out for me to run in college, somehow. I was given a spot and a scholarship despite the year I had taken off.  I was so nervous to see how my solo training would pay off, and I was pleasantly surprised to see that my 5k time decreased by nearly two minutes!

 I think I was mentally reset in France, and I came back in great shape and ready to compete.

I had a great freshman cross country season, and NWAACCS was everything I could have hoped for.

Little did I know, however, that I had already begun overtraining at this point. The rest of the year with running went okay, but I was slowly losing weight and pushing myself way too hard with extra practice, long weight sessions, and not nearly enough nourishment or rest.

I suppose I had a somewhat perfectionist mindset. I was the most dedicated of the dedicated. I wanted it more than anyone. I was going to push harder, drink more water, eat healthier, and lift more than anyone else. But I didn't have enough balance.

I ended track season successfully (with another All American title), but almost ready to break. I was two steps away from an injury and SO tired. But after a few weeks off, I jumped right back in to training for cross country. 

And then, this summer.... Well, this summer was a rough one for me. I haven't really shared much about it with anyone, but basically- I almost didn't run cross country. 

I went in for a physical, and my doctor was furious with me for how much weight I had lost. And I was surprised... I had no idea that I had lost that much either. I had paid little attention to my weight (except people had been telling me how skinny I looked). I just thought I was in shape, and I couldn't see how it is possible to have "too much of a good thing". It all happened in the midst of me pushing myself so hard every day. I was shocked at what the scale said.

But I was furious, too. I didn't want anyone to take running away from me. I had worked so hard.  had put in two hour runs and ran during vacation and had big dreams.

And I was scared. I was stubborn at first, but I finally recognized that I needed to take a step back and re-examine things.

So I gave it to God. I was so thankful he had helped me get that far without getting injured (I really had not been taking care of myself very well), and I was thankful that he had given me talent and allowed me to blossom in college. 

I really felt like I was supposed to run for TVCC this year still, but I had to give up my "striving" mindset and fully lay running down at his feet.

And He gave it right back to me.

Looking back, I cannot believe how much He blessed me. I got in contact with the best sport's nutritionist who has since helped me get way stronger and healthier. My coach fully understood and tailored my workouts to help me gain strength. My family came beside me and helped me and supported me.

I have run every race this season without an issue. I am healthy and don't look like I'm going to get a stress fracture anymore. And though I'm not nearly as fast as I was last year, I'm so thankful for how evident God's hand has been in my life- and my running journey.

SO here is what I have decided. I'm going to run this Saturday with an attitude of gratefulness. I'm going to run because God has blessed me so much. His grace has been so sufficient for me. And I truly believe that He has planted the desire to run and be successful at it in my heart. 

Maybe I'm just here to be a friend to the people on my team. Maybe I won't win Saturday. But I know that when God watches me run, He delights in it. Because I am doing what I was created to do 

- for His glory.

I'm not going to lie. This week has been hard, and I have felt heavy. When you allow your identity to be wrapped up in success or failure, you live in constant fear. I'm fearful of failing on Saturday. 

But I'm giving it to God. I want to run with joy. I want to run as if it were impossible to fail. Because this is just the beginning of my running journey. Because if I go out there and give everything I have... utilize the gifts He has given me and run for His glory with gratefulness... I cannot fail. I will be happy! That's true victory.

“No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.”

Romans 8:37

Words of Wisdom, Words of Encouragement

It truly amazes me how incredible my parents are. They always know the right thing to say. They are always supportive. They don’t think I’m crazy, even when I vent to them on speaker phone for an hour straight about all of the things rolling around in my head. I’m so blessed.

This is my daddy and I two summers ago. Love this picture. 

The weekend was rough. My race did not go like I planned- again.

Physically, I’m there.

Mentally, I’m not.

And I have to figure out how to shake this. My coach is so sweet and he really believes in me. He believes I can win NWAACCS. Still. After everything.

And you know what? I believe it too. I’m not ready to give up yet.

I do everything right. I eat right. I get enough sleep. I roll out and ice and lift. I ran miles and miles over the summer. There’s no doubt in my mind that I want it. I just have to show it.

But back to this weekend… Our girl’s team did win the Regional title, which is FANTASTIC considering it was our first year even in the region! 

And I’m thrilled about that. 

But personally, I did not do that well.

And it’s so hard for me not to let my identity get wrapped up in this sport.

But my identity is not in running. It's in Jesus. Period. 

I have been thinking a lot the last couple of days. Too much, really. About running and life and what I am doing at this school and what my purpose is. I started thinking about how I’m not seeing any fruit in my life. I work so hard. I try so hard. I strive…. But nothing seems to come of it.

And then I start thinking about how I’m a failure (bad news, guys). I entertained the idea, momentarily, like I’m a failure at everything. I don’t feel like I’m being a good Christian even.

And that’s just silly. Because even the Bible says there is no condemnation for those in Christ.

So I was really grateful for my parent’s loving words and encouragement tonight. They told me everything was going to be okay. They told me that they are proud. 

And they said something really wise.  

They said “Really, Susanna, it’s not about you. It’s not about what you do or what fruit you produce or how well you do things. It’s about God. It’s about you loving God and letting Him love you and work through you. And he takes care of the rest”.

That hit the nail on the head.

Anyway, I prayed and got rid of the ungrateful attitude that has been plaguing me the last couple of days. Life is good. I’m so blessed. I have the ability to run. To push myself. I have been blessed with talent and motivation and opportunity. I have a family who loves me. I have the ability to go to school. And God lavishes love on me every day.

SO I’m just going to abide in that love.

And I’m going to keep working hard. Two weeks until NWAACCS. The season is not over.

I apologize for how all over the place this post is. That’s sort of how my thoughts have been lately :)