The Filter Matters

In today's social media savvy world, I hardly have to convince Instagram users how much filters impact an Instagram post. Whether you prefer "Hudson" or "Lo-Fi", chances are you have used a filter on at least one of your uploaded photos to make it look better. And, if you are one of those #nofilter people - the true photographers on Instagram that believe that filters taint 

the purity of their art - you are still likely to recognize that having a filter 

(or not having it, in this case) 

has the power to significantly affect how an image is perceived. 

A few weeks ago, I was talking with my uncle about a vast array of topics. He is an incredibly wise and hilarious and down-to-earth guy with 

loads of life experience and valuable things to say... 

the kind of guy that you really hope will show up to family gatherings.  

One of the topics my uncle hit on was filters. But not the Instagram kind. Instead, he talked about how we select which filters through 

which we will perceive our own lives. 

We should choose to filter our experiences through truth. 

We should not choose to filter truth through our experiences. 

It is true, for example, that I am a gifted runner. Now, it would be easy for me to filter that piece of truth through my experiences and talk myself out of that truth. I could compare myself to some other very talented runners on my own team, for example, and in doing so remember that I am not nearly as  gifted as them and come to the conclusion that I am not gifted. Or I could dwell on experiences I have had that suggest I am not a gifted runner... such as that bad race I had that one time or the workout I almost failed to complete. 

But I have been blessed to make it to the collegiate level as a runner. So the truth is that I have some amount of gifting in this sport. It does not matter what that gifting is compared to my teammates or that I struggled with that workout last week. The truth matters, and the truth is that I have been gifted with something (be it determination, endurance, or just refusal to give up..) 

that helps me to do well in this sport. 

So, let's try it the other way. If I have a bad experience (such as a bad race), but choose to filter it through truth (that I am a gifted runner), I am able to look at the situation with clarity and balance. Instead of spiraling into negativity and believing that I am a failure as an athlete, I should be able to look at my race critically to discern which areas I can improve upon - 

without loosing all of my confidence. 

This concept makes the most sense to me when I think about spiritual truths. 

Truth: I am a child of God. Truth 2: My identity is in Jesus. 

Experience: I fail at something, or I loose a job, or I speak harshly to a friend. 

Instead of dwelling on these experiences and making them my filters... 

leading to feelings of  discouragement and condemnation... 

I need to filter them through TRUTH 

and see that my mistakes are not my identity. 

The filter matters. It changes the way we perceive the world. 

The filter matters. 

Christmas Break, Running, and Things.

This blog has gotten a bit dusty, so I’m here to bring some life back to it!! Somehow the fall semester slipped away from me slowly… Cross country races came and went, and there were successes and failures alike. Somehow, though it seems it just begun, my senior year of this beautiful sport came to an end. 

My last race was D2 Regionals on Nov 22^nd in Montana. The race was just okay. It definitely was not my best run of the season - that came about a month earlier at a random 6k in Portland. I tend to do better when I don’t put pressure on myself, and that means that championship races are typically not my best races. This is obviously something I am working to fix, but I am still grateful for the races that it does click. The Portland 6k was like that: I locked into a pace, ran as hard as I could, and pushed past the post of exhaustion. I was nauseous, dizzy, and THRILLED when I finished. I had reached a new pain threshold.

At Regionals I ran hard, but I didn’t quite reach that threshold again. I guess it is not possible to do so every time. But I did give what I had, and I finished my xc college career on a good note.   

The academic portion of the semester ended on a good note, as well. I loved the classes I took -  I was studying religion, philosophy, psychology and sociology and eating up every last bit of it. I’m going to miss being a student if I don’t go to grad school next year. I seriously love learning and love this season of life.

Christmas break has been nice. I have occupied my time with training, catching up with friends and family, and babysitting jobs. Typical of my “go hard or go home” mentality, I have been training harder than ever. And I haven’t led the cold stop me. It is initially daunting to head out the door for a morning run in 15-degree weather at six a.m., but it’s actually quite exhilarating. Then I do workouts in the afternoon and lift as well. I want to give everything I have to these last two seasons of running. Indoor track is right around the corner, and I have goals for outdoor track that are ALMOST unattainable… but I believe I can accomplish them.

I have also purposed to spend this Christmas break looking for internships/jobs/opportunities for after I graduate – so essentially “future-planning”. This is almost impossible during the semester because I am so invested in my classes, running, and my social life. So I hope to do some investigating/planning in the next couple of weeks. Emotionally, it is difficult. I still have such big goals for the next four months, and I don’t want to be so future focused that I miss out on the present. Still, it is exciting to think that I could be moving to Boston or London or L.A. (I’m craving a big city at the moment) within the next calendar year.

Within the next calendar year… that is 2015! It’s only two days away… Which means that it has been over four years since I went to Paris. How life has changed… how I have changed….

That’s all for now, but Christmas break has left me with [a little] time to sort my thoughts and write. I have been journaling quite frequently, but nothing has made it to this blog as of yet. I hope that will change. Here’s to 2015!!!

Numbers

Numbers from this week:

2,000 + words written

1000 + miles traveled

200 pages read

60 miles run

54 hours of sleep

12 cups of coffee

8 xc practices

3 loads of laundry (dirty running clothes for days)

1 cross country race

After a whirlwind two-day trip to Spokane for a cross-country race and hours spent toiling over Aristotle, I’m officially exhausted.
It has been a great weekend for sure, 

but I'm still processing everything. 

Exactly what happened during that second mile that
made me lose my strong mindset? 

Why did I feel so much less confident than my race the week before? 

How am I supposed to be a leader on my team if I can’t push past the mental barriers that have been plaguing me for my entire college career? 

How did these last four years go so quickly…
and how is it that I’m already a senior? 

And what exactly does Aristotle think about the 
teleological explanations of human existence anyway?

My mind is full.
Which means I should probably just go to bed and rest before morning practice. 

But a quick note about this weekend. 

My grandmother, who is the absolute most incredible human I know, came to watch me race. She has come to this course to watch me for the last four seasons, and each year we have gotten a picture. I cannot express how grateful I am to have such an amazing support in my life. 

Two different jerseys and three years passed. 

On that note, it's time to get ready for another week. 

“On ne voit bien qu’avec le cœur. L’essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.”

- Le Petit Prince 

Bonne nuit!!! 

Since I Last Stopped By...

The last time I posted, it was Christmas break. 

Now it is almost the end of February. 

There is no possible way that I could ever attempt to summarize the beautiful, stretching, and sometimes  difficult experiences I have had in the last month and a half, and I am not going to try. 

I will simply say that life has been rich and challenging and wonderful. 

Indoor Track Season officially came to a close this weekend with the GNAC championships. The season was fast and somewhat anti-clamactic, but I have developed a love for indoor track and am sad to see the season end. There is something just plain wonderful about being able to run inside when there is snow on the ground. With outdoor season now in session, I have many freezing workouts ahead of me and likely a race or two in blizzard conditions. 

But I'm mostly just sad to see another season slip away. I am becoming increasingly aware of my eligibility winding down, and though I am still a junior, I feel like I am running out of time to achieve my goals. 

More on that later. 

I competed in the 5k and 3k this weekend, and they were both decent races. Nothing phenomenal, by any means. And I didn't PR. But I did engage. And I was mentally positive. And with my track record (no pun intended) of incredibly negative self-talk during races, I am pleased with my mental progress. 

And I'm incredibly proud of my team. We pulled out two third-place spots in our conference, which is the best my school has done in a long time. 

We have some incredible athletes on our team, 

and I am grateful to be able to claim them as teammates. 

So, the 500 plus miles I have logged since December... well, they seem kind of pointless with indoor season gone and no hope for nationals in the near future. But I have to keep working hard and dreaming big. The small things will pay off eventually. I have to believe that. I won't run out of time. I just have to be happy with the small victories and keep inching my way forward. 

School has been overwhelming lately, but I am loving every minute of it. I literally cannot explain how much I love to learn. I am fascinated by every class I am taking right now... Geeking out on Biblical linguistics in New Testament Interpretation, soaking in different cultural practices in Intercultural Communication, discovering new elements of communication in Nonverbal, and learning the essence of the First Amendment in Media Law. I'm a perfectionist and have spent way more time on these classes than I should. But I am so grateful to be able to be a student right now. This is a good season. 

I have so many things to say, and this post has been quite a mess. But the most important thing that I want to convey is how incredibly blessed I feel. Though things are messy and difficult and stressful at times... though I sometimes feel like a failure or am disappointed in my performances... 

these feelings are overwhelmed with the love of God abounding in my life 

and the joy I experience in the community I have. 

I have never, in my entire life, known so many inspirational and kind people. I feel like I am constantly surrounded by world-changers. And I am seriously having so much fun. Despite not having much "free time" I am enjoying the things I do so much and wouldn't change a thing. 

I think that is all for now. Things should slow down the next two weeks, and I will hopefully have time to write some really insightful, philosophical stuff about how time is abstract and actually doesn't exist :) 

Or maybe just my thoughts on the Winter Olympics and social media. 

Mais pour maintenant, au revoir!!! 

Running Rambles

This morning I headed out the door for 

13 solitary miles along a snowy, country road. 

It was freezing and serene and lonely in a beautiful, romantic sort of way. My hips were slightly sore by the end, and I looked forward to sitting by the fire and eating everything I could get my hands on, but the thing is - I could have kept going. When you run for that long, it feels strange to stop. 

Anyway, I feel accomplished and thrilled that I checked off yet another day of my Christmas break running/training schedule. I have been so incredibly motivated the past month. I haven't missed a day of training, and I have neatly written down each day's mileage and accomplishments on a piece of paper that I have tucked neatly into the training binder our coaches made for us. 

And the thing is, I am really enjoying it. Though I definitely have days where the last thing I want to do is run a tempo in the freezing rain, I have a big goal in mind - and I'm wiling to sacrifice for it. 

This is intrinsic motivation at its finest. I don't have a coach watching me or people to impress. I am alone with my thoughts. My feet drag along the pavement for the first few miles, stubbornly screaming at me to slow down or turn around and go home. But then, they quiet. I can hear my breath, I can feel the icy breeze and my numbing hands, and I get into a rhythm. 

I haven't felt this way about running since I started my college career. Since the year I spent in Paris. Since I used to run by myself through the small French villages and smile at people as I passed them (They all looked appalled that I was running and not biking. Outside of Paris, running is not all that popular). 

During those nine months, I ran for me. And I ran because I had a big dream ahead. I wanted to be a collegiate athlete. I wanted it so badly. It is so important to have goals. And so I sacrificed. 

And I made it, and my motivation changed. I began to run to make my coach proud. I ran to impress my friends. I ran to beat my teammates. And slowly, the joy of running and competition seeped out of my heart. It became a job laden with pressure. It became a routine and I dreaded it. 

I was fearful of losing because I put my identity into my performance as an athlete. 

But lately everything has been different. I have been running for me again. And I have been running with a grateful heart, each day thankful that I am not injured (like I was last year at this time) and that I have the opportunity to be a collegiate runner. And I haven't been placing my identity in running or worried or stressed about missing a day - I have fully given it to God. So, I don't feel burnt out or heavy. I feel light on my feet.

I honestly was not too excited to face those icy, lonely miles alone this morning. But they were so worth it.

And I am so excited to see what is in store for me this track season. 

One week left of Christmas break, and then it is back to practice, school, and track meets!  

Noel, Noel...

How on earth is it already Christmas? 

Somehow - in the midst of ten-page APA research papers, finals week, and freezing cold temperatures, and my first indoor track meet -
Christmas kind of snuck up on me. 

And while I am usually obsessed with all things Christmas,

 I have felt more reflective than festive the last few days. 

I have been reminiscing on this time last year. I was so very different. My goals, my understanding of the world, my fears, my concerns.... they all feel so distant. I almost feel like that person wasn't me. 

Like she is just some character from a novel that I once read. 

It is a strange sensation, and it is one that I have often felt as I have grown and changed over the years. Three years ago at this time I was a lonely American girl wandering around Europe. 

That seems like a dream. Did that even happen?

And I have been contemplating the future. I have so many big dreams that do not in any way resemble a normal life. I have big fears, too. Fears of settling. Fears of failing. Fears of getting stuck in piles on school debt and having to work a 9-5 job that I hate and of not being happy. But mostly I am not afraid. Mostly I am excited and curious as to how my life is going to unfold. 

I want to know what is waiting around the corner. 

So all of these thoughts have been swirling around in my mind, and I suppose it is because I finally have time to think thoughts that don't have to do with Organizational Communication or Inferential Statistics. Christmas break is a great time to reflect and to re-assess and to contemplate. 

But it is also a time for celebration.

For Christmas parties. 

For catching up on good books. 

And for spending time with lovely friends. 

And of course - Christmas break is a time for running. Even in the snow and cold. I will be training hard this break. Running everyday, lifting every other day, and swimming two or three days a week. Indoor season is short and fast. And I don't want to miss out on any opportunities because of a lack of preparation. I am so grateful that I am healthy and able to run, as well, because last year at this time I was dealing with a nasty achilles injury that put me out for over a month.

................

Anyway, to get Christmas break started right and to get into the Christmas spirit, my sister and I did some Christmas shopping today (its about time I got on that) and did some holiday baking tonight. And it was lovely. [I am aware how silly it is to parallel Christmas spirit with consumerism and sugary treats, but that is another topic for another blogpost.]
For now, I will just say goodnight :)

Skip-Along!

Today was just the second day back from our week long running break, and I accidentally went on a fifty minute steady/tempo run. I wanted to run a little faster, so I went with some of the guys on my team and a super fast redshirt girl (who didn't take a break). We flew pretty much the whole time, and while I loved the feeling, my body is completely exhausted now. 

I'm still trying to let go of a little (okay a lot) of mental baggage from the season, but I'm ready to tackle indoor season. 

I just need to take one day at a time. 

And I probably need to be careful not to overdo it my first week back :) 

This weekend I went out with friends for a much needed girls' night. After writing two papers and feeling like I had way too much energy because I didn't work out all week, it was so nice to catch up with old friends over kale salad and appetizers at a trendy downtown lounge. 

Classy, classy 

Yesterday my team had a Christmas party. We haven't even gotten through Thanksgiving, you say? Well I say it's never too early for some Christmas cheer. Since everyone will be going home for Christmas, and since this was the day that worked for my coaches to have us over, we brought out the holiday spirit a little early. It's not like the Hallmark channel hasn't been playing Christmas movies all week anyway. We wore ugly sweaters and did white elephants and had mini pumpkin pies to pay tribute to the turkey day holiday we skipped over. It was so wonderful, and I sat there thinking how blessed I am to be part of such an amazing team. 

LOVE this girl! 

That's all for tonight! 

En Fin

So cross country is over. 

Done. 

Finished. 

En fin. 

And I don't really want to talk about how it ended, honestly, because I have been trying my best not to over-analyze every single thing in my life. 

(So difficult for me). 

And without going into detail, this season has been much different than what I expected. I didn't meet any of my goals... and, though I do feel like I progressed from last year, I am still not the runner that I used to be. I am still struggling so much mentally. And I still am a great runner and a terrible racer. So regionals was the same, old, disappointing story. 

I have spent this week taking a break from running. I am a huge believer that this is necessary after each  and every season. Running is such a mental sport, for one. And I need so badly to mentally reset. I throw myself heavily into my competitive seasons. I am one of those people who won't eat sugar for months and who will fall asleep thinking about my races. 

So the other night I ate a giant no-bake cookie for dinner and stayed up a little later than normal... just to say I could. 

But also, since I am a year-round athlete (the only season I don't compete is summer, and even then I'm training for xc),

  I know my body needs to recuperate and repair itself. 

So I have only run once this week (with a friend, so it was nothing major) and swam one day for fun. The rest of the week I have been lazy as ever. 

I have gotten less sleep than normal, I haven't been chugging water every other minute, and I have been throwing myself into homework in the hopes that I could actually be productive. 

Who am I kidding though? Instead of using the three to four hours each day that I would have spent at practice, I have done other fun things.

 Like going with friends on random excursions to World Market to buy exotic types of dark chocolate.

 And going to the club to sit in a steam room and completely relax. 

And getting buy one get one free Starbucks Christmas drinks (have you had a gingerbread latte? Spiced whip-cream and molasses drizzle... 

it will change your life). 

It has been a nice break, for sure, but I'm ready to get back into the swing of things. I haven't been taking care of myself, and I miss the routine and release of running. Not only that, but I'm still frustrated about this season and I'm ready to unleash in Indoor track. I have never competed in a true indoor season before (my old school didn't have an indoor season) so this will be new to me. 

I want to end this post by stating that I truly am grateful for this past cross country season, even if I am discouraged because of it. While I didn't perform up to my expectations, I am so blessed to be apart of my team. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful coaching staff and athletic department. Coming in as a transfer student, I could have easily run into tons of issues. Many of my friends who transferred to other schools and athletic programs did. But I feel like I mesh so well here, and I was completely accepted as a leader, a friend, and a teammate from the moment I arrived. 

So I'm going to enjoy the rest of this week and weekend, and then I'm ready to reset and get moving again. I still have a year and a half as a collegiate runner, and I'm going to make the most of it!

Also, thanks to my sweet grandmother and awesome cousin Danika who came out to support me in the freezing cold! 

It was such a wonderful thing to have them there cheering for me :) 

Running Forward

I can hardly believe that October is nearly over. The large trees on my campus have taken on brilliant hues of burgundy and orange and gold. Each morning greets me with a slight frost, and the scent of winter lingers in the air. Seasonal coffee beverages are trendy as ever, and pumpkins are everywhere. 

It sounds lovely, right?

But somehow I am still lost in summer. I am clinging to the rays of warm sunshine and the lazy afternoons. Without me quite realizing it, 

time has gotten away from me.

I am already at midterms. 

And I am already nearly done with my junior season of cross-country.

While I feel satisfied with my work so far academically, 

it is the near end of my cross-country season that worries me.

The thing is, I do not feel like I have accomplished much of anything yet. I have had some great practices. I have run up to sixteen miles in a day. I have developed speed on the track. I have gotten stronger in the weight room. I have even had some decent races. And yet, I have yet to accomplish a single race goal I have set this season. 

And I don’t feel like I have had much opportunity to do it.

Perhaps that is why I treasure cross-country season so much.

 Compared to track, it is incredibly short.

This upcoming weekend is our conference meet. 

It is the first 6k I will have ever run competitively, 

but I am told that the extra 1000 meters makes little difference. 

I am a 10k runner on the track, so I am not too worried about the distance.

We ran our last 5k this past weekend, and I think it was a good way to finish up the regular season. Almost everyone on my team ran their lifetime best times… and though I didn’t quite do that, 

I came the closest I have come to 

my freshman year PRs that I have in two years.

I have such high expectations for myself and know that I am capable of blowing those times out of the water… but the reality is, I have to take one step at a time. I have to be happy with myself for running a season best time and finally dropping down into my freshman year times.

 So I am going to take the positives and move straight ahead to conference.

For those of you who don’t understand what I’m talking about or know my running journey, it is pretty well documented on this blog. 

I am not interested in the past right now, however. 

I am interested in moving forward.

I am stronger and fit than I have ever been. I have put in miles and miles of summer training. I have iced and stretched and went to bed early when everyone else was out having fun. I have dedicated so much to this sport, but none of that matters if I don’t perform on race day. So what’s holding me back?

This weekend, I plan on breaking out of the weird slump that I have been in the past two years. I feel like I did a pretty good job this last Saturday,

 but I know that there is more I can dig out. 

Regardless, however, I refuse to allow negative emotions to dictate my attitude or my running. I am grateful for what I have been able to accomplish this season. I am grateful for being healthy. I am grateful for the progress I have made. And I am grateful that I even get the opportunity to compete. 

I am so blessed, and I am so excited to see what's in store. 

The College Dilemma

Have you ever seen this diagram before? Here we have represented what most people consider the ultimate college dilemma. Personally, I would substitute "partying" with simply "social life", but you get the picture. 

The thing is, I WISH it were that simple. Two of three... that's not bad. 

But when you are a collegiate athlete, or you work, or you are actively involved in your church, the triangle shape-shifts into a polygon. 

Then we have problems. 

I am growing increasingly aware that I may not have as much time to blog this year as I would hope. As much as I love to write and record 

my thoughts and observations, 

my time has been otherwise occupied. 

My polygon includes many things - Good grades, cross country, social life, church, personal time (under which I include things like blogging), sleep.... 

the list goes on. 

Unfortunately, I can't have everything. And I am unwilling to sacrifice on many of these areas, including sleep. I'm a 9 hours of sleep a night kind of gal who also wants to make the Dean's list, go to Nationals for cross country, 

and have a buzzing social life. 

Oh, and I'm going to make sure I go to church, 

because I need to keep my priorities straight. 

So what does that leave for me to sacrifice? Personal time, unfortunately. Some days (okay, most days) it's going to have to be crossed off the list. Other days, I will choose to cross off sleep or good grades or social life. I'm aware I need balance. And I'm doing my best to find that. 

So in the last few weeks, I haven't had much time to blog. And I miss it. And I have been doing homework all day. So here I find myself - 

sending out a quick update into the internet world for whoever cares. 

Running: 

I have already had two races. Time is flying by. Both were 4ks, and both were smaller meets. I am such a perfectionist... and it's hard not to be self-critical, but I am mostly content with my performances. I know that I have a lot of work to do, but I am grateful to find myself 

surrounded by such a talented team of girls. 

They challenge me and humble me simultaneously, and though I kind of miss being the fastest runner, I think that I will get faster as a result of not being the fastest. If that makes sense. 

 I pr'd in the 4k by almost thirty seconds yesterday, so there you go. 

I have been working hard (three to four hours of practice related things every day) and taking care of myself, so I'm really excited to see what this season has in store. 

School:

My favorite class, not surprisingly, is my Theology class. Because I am attending a faith-based school, I get to explore the world of religion - which anyone who knows me also knows that religion is my favorite topic. I am a Communications major, however, so most of my time is spent studying organization and interpersonal communication theories and studying research. Blah, blah, blah. I cannot wait until next year... when I can fill up all my extra space with fascinating classes like "Sociology of Religion" and "Modern Day Africa". 

Why am majoring in Communications if I don't love it? Good question. I think I like it, in theory. I think it is a solid degree that doesn't close doors. I think I am ultimately passionate about public speaking and writing and people, and Communications caters to that. But I wish I could just major in Philosophy and go on mind trips every day. Not much of a job market for that....

Friends:

I have met so many new people in the last few weeks, I honestly don't even know who I have and haven't met. I love every second of it, though. Because I am at a new school - and a school that is so community oriented - I have been going out of my way to talk to people and make friends. And it has been wonderful. Cutting a little into my studies, for sure. But wonderful nonetheless. People are more important that Experimental Statistics, anyway. 

Let me also say that it is so. much. fun. to go to school with my younger sister. We play off of each other so well, and I love the fact that, when I tell her about my day, she understands exactly what I'm talking about! We plan on taking over the school. 

At the risk of making this the longest and dullest blog post ever, I'm going to stop there. 

Hopefully I'll be back soon!

Au Revoir L'été [Goodbye Summer]

Today I spent two hours in Starbucks sipping a cold brew (it's coffee people!) and getting some quality journaling in. I filled eleven blank pages with every thought that has been circling around my head the past few days, and when I finished I shook out the cramp in my hand and breathed a sigh of relief.

There is something oh so therapeutic about writing. 

And I realized just how much I have missed it.

I'm hesitant for summer to end. I have thoroughly enjoyed the late night trips to the hotsprings, the grass volleyball, and the summer camps

 (church camp for college kids, you ask? Heck. Yes.)

There have been a few ups and downs, no doubt, but I am grateful for all of the memories I have made. 

When school starts, free time will be far and few between.

This summer has flown by, and as I contemplate what this next season of my life is going to look like, I feel the inescapable urge to write down how I'm feeling. So here goes. I'm feeling nervous.

Nervous to run for a new team. Nervous to be a transfer student and not know how anything works at this new place. Nervous to take upper division classes and somehow balance a full day of classes, practice, and homework while still aiming for 8-9 hours of sleep a night (I'm an athlete... we need it!) I can't help imagining myself failing miserably. Not living up to others' expectations of me. Or my expectations of myself...

But then I remember that this is supposed to be exciting. I have been given the amazing opportunity to extend my education at an incredible school. I have been offered a spot on a competitive xc/track team and will undoubtedly grow as a runner in the process. I get to go to school with my sister and best friend. And I get to stay involved at my church which is growing exponentially and now has about 1/3 of the Boise State football players involved.

Honestly, I'm so blessed. And though I often feel inadequate, I have to remember that it is in my weakness that God's strength shines through.

 So I am more than enough.

So here is to a new season. I still have a week or so to catch my breath before the storm, so I'll be relishing the moments undoubtedly. But I am going to look forward with cheerful expectation. God has a lot for me this year, and I can't wait to share everything on this blog. If you are willing to read (and even if I am sending this out into the atmosphere for no one but myself), 

I am happy to write.

Lazy - on Purpose!

After each season, athletes (or at least runners) 

usually take some kind of break. 

This break ranges in length - Some runners prefer to take three weeks off from running to recover both mentally and physically. Others feel like they only need a week before they get back to training. 

Either way, it is a necessary time for the body to repair all of its damaged muscles and joints and fill up its glycogen stores. We are more vulnerable to injury if we do not ever take breaks. Likewise, it is a time for the mind to reset and rest from the intensity of constant competition.

Basically, runners are forced to get out of shape after each season. 

This brings about mixed feelings, and I know I can speak for pretty much all competitive runners when I say this. 

While we love the idea of not having to run for a week or two, it is so difficult in practice. We end the season being the fittest of our lives, and during our week or two off we see our muscles diminishing, our flab increasing, and our speed leaving. We remember how hard it is to start up again after a break, and, though we are excited to finally be active again, we dread those first few miles of heavy breathing.

It's also a time where one feels incredibly lazy. 

I have done pretty much nothing active all week - except for eat my weight in ice cream- and it's simultaneously wonderful and terrifying. 

I have so much pinned up energy. 

And it messes with you. My sleep patterns are completely off... 

I woke up at four in the morning after going to bed at midnight

 and couldn't go back to sleep. 

I also miss the endorphins that running/working out give me. 

I know that many runners get depressed during 

breaks as a result of missing these.

Ultimately, however, the break is necessary and nice. I know that, soon enough, I will have to get up early in the morning to go do a 75 minute tempo run, and I'll wish I were on a break. So for right now, I'm trying to enjoy this. I can see myself loosing tone, and that's okay. I'm an athlete, and we bounce back into competition shape in no time!

So here's to being lazy!

Honestly

Disclaimer: The following is probably the longest and most in depth blog post I have ever written.  There is a lot of running jargon in there and it's very real and honest. Ultimately, I know how blessed I am. I have had a wonderful overall experience at TVCC. I have amazing teammates and the best coach. I am going to cry when I say goodbye to them, I know. But I'm also disappointed, and I had to be transparent. Sometimes that's the only way to write. 

I couldn't possibly recount all of the events of the last few days or express the tumult of emotions that have been rolling through my head. 

NWAACCS was physically and emotionally taxing - bittersweet in every way. There were some great things about it - like having family there to watch and support me - but I did not perform as hoped. I cracked under pressure. 

My 10k on Monday morning was a disaster - the slowest of my life, in fact. I was ranked 1st going in and I walked away with 3rd. I could blame it on the girl who sat behind me the whole first half of the race, clipping my heels and drafting off of me while I paced for her... or I could blame her coach who put her up to it. He planned the whole thing with her ahead of time and coaxed her through the whole race, making comments each time around the track that majorly got into my head. 

But ultimately I am the one who wasn't mentally strong enough to finish the race. I am the one who slowed way down and let one two girls pass me. I am the one who failed. 

I can't even explain how frustrated I am about the whole thing. I feel like I let my coach down. An All-American standing doesn't mean anything when you perform terribly. 

Monday night we went to a banquet with all of the participating schools. We all dressed up. We ate gross pasta (I'm probably the only runner who doesn't like the stuff, I know). We got our minds off the competition (yeah right). It was fun.  

But after I felt sick. I was shaky and cold and exhausted. I fell down on my hotel bed and let the weight of the day flow out in tears. Two of my closest friends and teammates listened as I opened up about my disappointment and insecurity. And I told them I hated racing. And at that moment, I really did.

We all fell asleep around 9 pm. I haven't felt so sick in a long time. Blame the dehydration, not enough food, the heat, whatever. But I really needed sleep!

Tuesday morning was a new day, though. I felt much better when I woke up, and I had two races left to focus on. I can genuinely say that they went much better than the first one. 

I led the first two laps of my 1500m, even though I wasn't even close to ranked first. People just paced/drafted off of me and then out kicked me in the end. I knew it wasn't smart racing. But I'm so good at pacing, and that was the pace I was used to running. All this tactical championship stuff is annoying to me. Maybe I should just be a professional "rabbit". (For those of you who don't know, those are the pacers in races that drop out halfway through... they are only there so other people can pace off of them in order to run faster). 

My coach just laughed at me afterword and said 

"well, you certainly keep things interesting!"

Two hours later, I ran the 5k. And I decided to try a different approach. NOT LEADING. So that's exactly what I did. I went out slow, like everyone else. I tucked behind a pack of girls and drafted off of them for a change. It was miserable, though. We were all crowded and they were throwing elbows and it lasted for about a mile and a half. Finally, they broke away. 

And for some reason, I didn't go with them. 

BUT I didn't stop racing. Instead, I slowly chased them down. I ran a killer last mile - must faster than my first two - and picked them off, one by one. Let me tell you something, it's much more fun to chase and pass then to be the target. 

In hindsight, I know I had SO much more energy at the end. I should have kicked harder 

and passed those two girls that were just five seconds ahead of me. 

I could have  should have gotten All American in that race, too. 

I'm not trying to complain. I know I need to count my blessings. I made the podium in all my races. I was the only girl to run all three of those events - quite the triple! 

And I know I should be grateful. I am grateful. 

But at the same time, I'm so frustrated. I just feel like... WASTED POTENTIAL. 

Physically, I should have gotten 1st in the 10k and 2nd in the 5k (the 1st place 5k runner is crazy fast... one day I'll get there). But mentally, I SUCK at racing. I'm a disaster. I'm not competitive. Or something. And the problem is, in the world of college track, all that matters is the races. 

No, it doesn't matter that I can and have run 20-24 x 400 meter repeats at an average of 83 second pace. It doesn't matter that I got tons of sleep and drank my weight in water and ate perfectly and lifted and swam. All of that hard work is for nothing if I don't show up to race. 

Obviously, I have a lot to think about. My coach told me that I just need to take the summer to reset mentally. But I feel terrible... because I won't be reseting for him. I'm transferring. I'm ready to graduate in a few weeks, and I'll be going to a whole new school with a whole new coach and running program. And I can't help but feel like I'm just a total disappointment to my current coach. I KNOW this is NOT true. But it's how I feel right now. 

I know this post may seem far more depressing than my usual ones, but I really felt that I needed to be honest. Right now I'm really confused about why I even do this. I think I love it, but it doesn't feel that way right now. 

I am planning on taking the next two or three weeks off of running, and this will be a good chance for me to reset. But for this rest period, I need to do my best to NOT think about running. I need to eat junk food and stay up late and focus on school and my social life. I need to let myself be bored and take naps during the day. And I need to be in the moment, 

because the moment is passing quickly. 

Hopefully, at the end of this break, I'll have a fresh passion and perspective. One thing is for certain. If I am going to keep doing this college track thing (which is already established) I am not going to have another year (mentally) like this one. If I'm going to keep doing this, working this hard, investing myself this much - I am GOING to see results. I am going to nationals next year. 

Mark my words. 

Perfecting Your Form

This was my last week of track practice before NWAACCS,
and that means one thing - tapering.

I don't know how other runners feel about tapering, 

but I feel like a caged animal.

And a little lazy. 

Low volume, high intensity. 

This is the "peaking" process in a nutshell. 

We run lower mileage and stay clear of the weight room, allowing our muscles to be fully recovered and full of glycogen so that we can have the best race of our season during championships. 

So track practice as of late hasn't been crazy difficult like normal. Instead, we have turned our attention to sharpening our speed, gaining a winning mentality, and focusing on little details - like form. 

Since I first began running competitively, 

my coaches have been telling me that I am a "hopper". 

Meaning that, if you watch me run,

 I tend to exert just as much energy vertically as I do horizontally. 

Like I literally have "a hop in my step". 

The problem is, you want to go forward - not up - when you are running fast. It is inefficient. And so my form can sometimes hold me back. 

To combat this, my current coach has been working with me on my form A LOT. On leg turn-over. On moving my legs forward instead up upward. 

Luckily, I have started to see improvement. 

And, though my form is far from perfect, it is getting better. 

Sometimes even the smallest details make a HUGE difference. 

Spiritually, it is easy to just try to "run the race" without focusing on little things like our spiritual form.

 But the Bible clearly says that we need to "strip off every weight that slows us down" (Hebrews 12:1) 
- And that means that paying attention to our spiritual form may be a good idea. 

And we don't have to work on our form all alone!

Jesus is our "coach", and he empowers us will the ability to "be perfect, as [our] heavenly Father is perfect".  Matthew 5:48

Tomorrow morning I leave for my track championships. All of the hard work, practice, and attention to form that I have put in this season will come down to just three races.It is time to perform. 

And that's a lot of pressure. 

I only have one chance. 

And we only have one life. 

1 Corinthians 9:24 says "Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize."

I want to run to win.